Quotes Saison 1

101-Pilot

Leonard: We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace.
Leonard: Yes, and you’ve never met one of them.
Sheldon: That’s the beauty of it.
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Penny: I’m a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.
Sheldon: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Penny: (puzzled) Participate in the what?
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Sheldon: What if she ends up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve for the area under a curve?
Leonard: I'm sure she'll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn't.
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Penny: (after seeing Leonard and Sheldon pantsed) I'm so sorry. I really thought if you guys went instead of me, he wouldn't be such an ass.
Leonard: No, it was a valid hypothesis.
Sheldon: "Was a valid hypo" - what is happening to you?
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Leonard: Our children will be smart and beautiful!
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.
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Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.
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Leonard: I love cheesecake.
Sheldon: You're lactose-intolerant.
Leonard: I don't eat it. I just think it's a good idea.
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Sheldon: I don't know what your odds are in the world as a whole but as far as the population of this car goes you're a veritable mack daddy.
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Penny: Would it be weird if I used your shower?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: (to Sheldon) No!
Sheldon: No?
Leonard: No!
Sheldon: (to Penny) No.
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Leonard: Come on! We have a combined IQ of 360 we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.
*Two girls selling cookies ring every bell, the door opens*
Sheldon: What do you think their combined IQ is ?
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Leonard: New neighbor?
Sheldon: It seems so.
Leonard: Significant improvement over the old neighbor.
Sheldon: A 200 pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes, she is.
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Leonard: What makes you think she wouldn't have sex with me? I'm a male and she's a female.
Sheldon: Yes, but not of the same species.
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Penny: Oh, anyways I'm also writing a screenplay. It's about this sensitive girl who comes to LA from Lincoln, Nebraska, to be an actress and who ends up a waitress at the cheesecake factory.
Leonard: So it's based on your life?
Penny: No, I'm from Omaha!


102-The Big Bran Hypothesis

Sheldon: I couldn't sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom is our living room and just outside our living room is that hallway and immediately adjacent to that hallway is [Penny's messed up apartment]!
Leonard: Do you realize if Penny wakes up there's no reasonable explanation to why we are here?
Sheldon: I just gave you a reasonable explanation.
Leonard: No, no. You gave me an explanation. Its reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.
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Leonard: If you don't have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?
Penny: A marathon? Wow, how many Superman movies are there?
Sheldon: You're kidding, right?
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Leonard: I guess we'll just take [a TV cabinet] up [the stairs] ourselves.
Sheldon: We don't have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper-body strength.
Leonard: We don't need strength. We're physicists. We are the intellectual descendants of Archimedes. Give me a fulcrum and a lever, and I can move the Earth. (Trying to move the box) It's just a matter of... I don't have this. I don't have this. I don't have it!
Sheldon: Archimedes would be so proud.
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Leonard: Most people don't sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fiber content.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but I think we've both found that helpful at times.
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Leonard (trying to get Sheldon to leave Penny's apartment in the middle of the night): Sheldon, this is not your home!
Sheldon: This isn't anyone's 'home'. This is a swirling vortex of entropy.
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Leonard: For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth? 
Sheldon (intrigued): You have a sarcasm sign?
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Leonard (looking at the heavy box and the stairs): Do you have any ideas?
Sheldon: Yes, but they all involve a Green Lantern and a Power Ring.
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Sheldon: Explain to me an organizational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid.
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Howard (to Leonard, after a round of Dance Dance Revolution): Grab a napkin, homey, you just got served.
Leonard: That's fine, you win. (walks away) 
Howard (to Sheldon): What's his problem? 
Sheldon: His imaginary girlfriend broke up with him.
Howard: Been there!
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Penny: Yes, I know men can't fly.
Sheldon: No, no let's assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32ft per second, per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Ms. Lane, who is now traveling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three. equal pieces.
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Sheldon: Ah, gravity - thou art a heartless bitch.
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Penny: And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?
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Sheldon: If you have time to lean you have time to clean.
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Leonard: You're going march yourself over there right now and apologize (to Penny)!
Sheldon: Pfffft.
Leonard: What's funny?
Sheldon: Wasn't sarcasm?
Leonard: No!
Sheldon: Uuuuuuh. Boy, you are all over the place this morning.
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Sheldon: (Going apologize to Penny) I have a masters and two PhDs. I should not have to do this.
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Penny: SON OF A BITCH!!
Leonard: Penny's up
Penny: YOU SICK GEEKY BASTARDS!
Leonard: How did she know it was us?
Sheldon: I may have left a suggested organizational schematic for her bedroom closet.
Penny: LEONARD!
Leonard: God this is going to be bad.
Sheldon: Good bye honey puffs...helloo big bran.
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Leonard: You convinced me. Maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.
Sheldon: You don't think that crosses the line?
Leonard: Yes... For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?
Sheldon: You have a sarcasm sign?


103-The Fuzzy Boots Corollary

Sheldon: There's always a chance that alcohol and poor judgment on her part may lead to a wonderful evening.
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Sheldon: I think that you [Leonard] have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker.
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Wolowitz: So, how’d it go with Leslie?
Leonard: Oh, we tried kissing, but the earth didn’t move… I mean any more than the 383 miles it was gonna move anyway!
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Sheldon: You have about as much chance with her as the Hubble Telescope does of finding in the middle of each black hole a small man looking for the light switch.
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Sheldon: I don't come over to your house changing things on your boards.
Leslie: That's because I don't have mistakes on my boards.
Sheldon: That's...That's...
Leslie: When you think up an adjective text me.
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Sheldon: (to Leonard, who has decided to give up on Penny) Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted, smoldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her and analyze the data so you don't crash into Geek Mountain again.
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Wolowitz: Love is not a sprint, it's a marathon, a relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms - or hits you with the pepper spray.
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Leonard: Homo habilis discovering his opposable thumbs says what?
-
Wolowitz: I am the sword master!


104-The Luminous Fish Effect

Sheldon: I can't believe he fired me.
Leonard: Well, you did call him a "glorified high school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts."
Sheldon: In my defense, I prefaced that with, "with all due respect."
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Howard: (to Mary, Sheldon's mother) Forgive me for being so bold, but I now see where Sheldon gets his charming good looks.
Mary: Honey, that ain't gonna work, but you keep trying.
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Mary: (to Rajesh) I made chicken. I hope it's not one of the animals that you people think is magic.
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Penny: This is the best cobbler I've ever had.
Mary Cooper: It was always Sheldon's favorite. You know what the secret ingredient is?
Penny: Love?
Mary Cooper: Lard.
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Mary Cooper: [To Sheldon] You know how your daddy used to say that you could only fish for so long before you gotta throw a stick of dynamite in the water?
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Mary Cooper: I tell you, I love that boy [Sheldon] to death but he has been difficult since he fell outta me at the K-Mart.
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Mary: Leonard, the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. Luckily He blessed me with two other children who are as dumb as soup.
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Sheldon: I'm taking a sabbatical because I won't kowtow to mediocre minds.
Penny: So you got canned, huh?
Sheldon: Theoretical physicists do not get 'canned'. But yeah.
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Penny: I always say that when one door closes, another one opens.
Sheldon: No it doesn't. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays or there are motion sensors involved. Or if the first door closing creates a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door.
Penny: (gives Sheldon a long look) Never mind.
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Mary Cooper: (looking at Leonard and Penny, who happen to be sitting next to each other) You know, you two make a cute couple.
Leonard: No, no we're not, we're not a couple, we're single, two singles, like those individually wrapped slices of cheese that are friends. 
Mary Cooper: (aside, to Howard) Did I pluck a nerve there?
Howard: Oh yeah.
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Sheldon: Aha, the thing about tomatoes, I think you will really enjoy this, is that they are shelved with the vegetables but they are technically a fruit.
Penny: Intresting.
Sheldon: Isn't it! 
Penny: No, I mean what you find enjoyable.
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Sheldon: I read an article about Japanese scientists who inserted DNA from luminous jelly fish into other animals; and I thought "Hey! Fish night-lights".
Leonard: Fish night-lights ...
Sheldon: It's a billion dollar idea ... SHUSH!!!!
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Wolowitz: Whaddup science b*tches?
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Mary Cooper: Honey, why did you get a loom?
Sheldon: Well, I was working with luminous fish and I thought... Hey. Loom.
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Leonard: Howard brought a date?
Sheldon: A more plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an amazing leap forward.
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Mary Cooper: I'm sorry, did I start that sentence with the words, "If it pleases Your Highness?"


105-The Hamburger Postulate

Sheldon: I need your help in a matter of semiotics.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Semiotics, the study of signs and symbols as a branch of the philosophy related to linguistics.
Penny: Okay, honey, I know you think you are explaining yourself, but you're really not.
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Sheldon: Can't we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger: the Big Boy.
Penny: The Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy.
Sheldon: Excuse me, in a world that already includes a Big Boy, why would I settle for something that's like a Big Boy?
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Sheldon: (At The Cheesecake Factory) Who do I speak to about permanently reserving this table?
Penny: I don't know, a psychiatrist?
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Leslie: Come for the breasts, stay for the brains!
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Leslie: Oh, Leonard, you magnificent beast.
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Sheldon: You're a lucky man, Leonard.
Leonard: Why is that?
Sheldon: You're talking to one of only three men in the western hemisphere capable of following that train of thought.


106-The Middle-Earth Paradigm

Leonard: Homo habilis discovering his opposable thumbs says what?
Kurt: What?
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Wolowitz: Check out the sexy nurse. I believe it's time for me to turn my head and cough.
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Penny: Why can't all guys be like you?
Leonard: Because if all guys were like me the human race couldn't survive.
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Leonard: That's right! Cuz' that's how we roll in the Shire!
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Sheldon: Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American educational system.
Kurt: You're a zebra, right?
Sheldon: (aside, to Leonard) Yet another child left behind ...
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Wolowitz: Gentlemen, to the sewing machines!
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Leonard: What's that?
Sheldon: Tea. When people are upset, the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. (a pause as he tries to think of what to do next, then he says awkwardly) 'There, there'. (another pause) You wanna talk about it?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Good! 'There there' was really all I had.
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Leonard: If he [Penny's boyfriend, Kurt] were any bigger, he'd have moons orbiting him.
Sheldon: Oh,SNAP.
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Sheldon: I don't care if anybody gets it. I'm going as the Doppler effect. If I have to, I can demonstrate. NYEEEROOOOM
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Girl: What are you?
Sheldon: I'm gonna give you a hand: weawww.
Girl: A Choo choo train?
Sheldon: Clouse! weawwww
Girl: A brain damaged choo choo train?
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Penny: Boy, you're really smart.
Leonard: Yeah, I'm a freaking genius.
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Kurt: You are lucky little dwarf.
Sheldon: He is a hobbit! Don't worry, I've got your back!
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Sheldon: I don't care if anybody gets it. I'm going as the Doppler Effect.
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(Leonard, Sheldon, Raj, and Howard are all dressed as the Flash and they are deciding who will be what.)
Leonard: I call Frodo!
Sheldon, Raj, and Howard: (together) Damn!


107-The Dumpling Paradox

Sheldon: I don't know how, but she is cheating! Nobody can be that attractive and this skilled at a videogame.
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Leonard: You know, Penny, we make such a good team, maybe we could enter a couple of Halo tournaments sometime.
Penny: Or we could just have a life.
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Penny: (Barges into apartment) Hey, guys! My friends and I got tired of dancing so we came over to have sex with you.
(The guys continue to play Halo).
Penny: Told ya.
(Penny and her friends leave).
Sheldon: Why did you hit pause?
Leonard: I thought I heard something.
Rajesh: What?
Leonard: No, never mind.
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Leonard: If you don't like this Christy, why are you letting her stay?
Penny: Well, she was engaged to my cousin while she was sleeping with my brother, so she's kind of family.
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Leonard: Well, the only way we can play teams at this point is if we cut Raj in half.
Rajesh: Oh, great cut the foreign guy in half. There's a billion more where that came from.
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Penny: Wait, wait, Sheldon come back, you forgot something.
Sheldon: What?
Penny: This plasma grenade... HA look, it's raining YOU!
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Sheldon: I'll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it's more like Doctor Why Bother.
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Leonard: (While playing Halo) Wow Penny, you're on fire!
Penny:Yeah, so is Sheldon!
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Raj: Not only are there thousands of people starving in India, there's an Indian starving right here!
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Sheldon: Yeah, I apologize for my earlier outburst! Who needs Halo when we can be regaled delightfully with the folksy tale of the 'whore of Omaha'?!


108-The Grasshopper Experiment

Sheldon: When I was a little boy and got sick, which was most of the time, my mother would read [The Monkey and the Princess] to me. It's about an Indian princess who befriends a monkey who was mocked by all the other monkeys because he was different. For some reason I related to it quite strongly.
Penny: I know the reason.
Leonard: We all know the reason.
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Penny: I need some guinea pigs.
Sheldon: Okay, there's a lab animal supply company in Reseda you can try. But if your research is going to have human applications, may I suggest white mice? Their brain chemistry is far closer to ours.
Penny: I swear to God, Sheldon, one day I'm going to get the hang of talking to you.
Leonard: His mom's been saying that for years.
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Leonard: Do you really need the Honorary Justice League of America Membership card?
Sheldon: It's been in every wallet I owned since I was five.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: It says keep this on your person at all times. It's right here under Batman's signature.
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Sheldon: I'll have a diet Coke.
Penny: Can you please order a cocktail? I need to practice mixing drinks.
Sheldon: Fine... I'll have a virgin Cuba Libre.
Penny: That's... rum and Coke without the rum.
Sheldon: Yes, and would you make it diet?
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Rajesh: How can I be a gynecologist? I can barely look a woman in the eye!!
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Leonard: What got into him?
Penny: Oh, a couple of virgin Cuba Libres who turned out to be a little slutty.
Leonard: You didn't.
Penny: You do your little experiments, I do mine.
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Sheldon: How often does one see a beloved fictional character come to life?
Wolowitz: Every year at ComiCon. Every day at Disneyland. You can hire Snow White to come to your house. Of course they prefer if you have a kid.
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Penny: Ok, here you go Leonard. One tequila sunrise!
Leonard: Thank you! You know, this drink is a wonderful example of how liquids with different specific gravities interact in a cylindrical container!
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Penny: I finally convinced the restaurant to give me a bar-tending shift, so I need to practice mixing drinks.
Leonard: That's Great! The key to acquiring proficiency in any task is repetition.
Sheldon:With certain obvious exceptions,
*Leonard and Penny Look at Sheldon.*
Sheldon: Suicide for example.


109-The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization

Leonard: You are not Isaac Newton.
Sheldon: No, no, that's true. Gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.
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Leonard: Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash?
Sheldon: Well, there's always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam's Razor would suggest that someone threw it out.
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Leonard: (Watching their fight on YouTube) Oh, geez, does this suit really look that bad?
Sheldon: Forget your suit. Look at my arms flailing. I'm like a flamingo on Ritalin.
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(At the mailboxes).
Penny: Get anything good?
Sheldon: Just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.
Penny: Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn't!
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Leonard: Are there any other honors that I've gotten that I don't know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
Sheldon: Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize is the day I begin my research on the drag co-efficient of tassles on flying carpets.
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Sheldon: If I'm not taking credit for our work, then nobody is!
Leonard: So, you admit that it's our work!
Sheldon: No, once again I'm throwing you a bone. And once again, you are welcome.
Howard: Oh no he didn't!
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Leonard: A joke. Okay. How about this, um, okay, uh there%u2019s this farmer, and he has these chickens, but they won%u2019t lay any eggs. So, he calls a physicist to help. The physicist then does some calculations, and he says, um, I have a solution, but it only works with spherical chickens in a vacuum.


110-The Loobenfeld Decay

Sheldon: (Knocking on Penny's door early in the morning). Penny, Penny, Penny!
(Penny opens the door).
Sheldon: Good morning.
Penny: Do you have any idea what time it is?
Sheldon: Of course I do, my watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It's accurate to one-tenth of a second, but as I'm saying this it occurs to me once again your question may have been rhetorical.
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Leonard: How long is [Toby/Leo] going to stay here?
Sheldon: He's a homeless drug addict, Leonard. Where's he going to go? Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.
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Sheldon: I am uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny. 
Leonard: What was I supposed to say? 
Sheldon: You could have told her the truth.
Leonard: I could not have said that, it would have hurt her feelings.
Sheldon: Is that a relevant factor?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
Leonard: What would I have said afterwards?
Sheldon: I would suggest something along the lines of "singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you and if you disagree, I recommend you do a CAT scan to locate the tumor which is pressing on the cognitive processing center of your brain".
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Sheldon: Okay, then, riddle me this: Assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite, hot, 17-year old killer robot?
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(Sheldon repeatedly knocking and saying Leonard's name)
Leonard: Ugh, this would be so much easier if I were a violent sociopath!


111-The Pancake Batter Anomaly

*Leonard, Howard & Raj are avoiding hypochondriac Sheldon at the cinema & Penny calls Leonard.*
Leonard (to Howard & Raj): Sheldon is at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard (to Penny): Just tell him to go home.
Penny: Well, he won't leave. He says he's afraid he'll pass out on the bus and someone will harvest his organs.
Leonard (to Howard & Raj): He is paranoid and he has established a nest.
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Sheldon: Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn't speak any English. When I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said, "Möchtest du eine Darmspülung?"
Penny: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Based on what happened next, I assume it means, 'Would you like an enema?'
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*Playing 3D chess*
Sheldon: Checkmate.
Leonard: Oh, again?
Sheldon: Obviously, you're not suited for three dimensional chess. Perhaps three dimensional Candy Land would be more your speed.
Leonard: Just reset the board!
Sheldon: It must be humbling to suck on so many levels.
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Sheldon: Wait, put this in the bathroom.
Leonard: What for?
Sheldon: I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren't shutting down.
Leonard: I mix pancake batter in this!
Sheldon: No, that measuring cup has always been for urine.
Leonard: You had time to make a label for everything in this apartment, including the label maker, but you didn't have ten seconds to make a label that said %u201Curine cup%u201D?
Sheldon: It's right here on the bottom.
Leonard: Huh, I guess I owe the Betty Crocker Company a letter of apology.
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Howard's mom (HM): Howard it's the phone!
Howard: I know it's the phone ma' I HEAR THE PHONE!
HM: Who is calling at this ungodly hour?
Howard: I don't know!
HM: Well ask them why are they calling at this ungodly houer!
Howard: HOW CAN I ASK THEM WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!?. *on the phone* Hello?
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Raj: How about Lasik?
Leonard: You want me to get eye surgery?
Raj: Would you rather go back to the apartment and deal with Sheldon or have a stranger carve out your corneas with a laser beam?
Howard: Well?
Leonard:I'm thinking


112-The Jerusalem Duality

Sheldon: Today, I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, to... You know, that other guy.
Howard: Antonio Salieri?
Sheldon: Oh God, now even you are smarter than me.
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Howard: Hey, I'm damaged, too. How about a hug for Howie?
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Sheldon: Engineering. Where the noble semiskilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, Oompa-Loompas of science.
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Dr. Gablehauser: Okay, well, speaking of spreads, we're having a small welcoming party this afternoon for Mr. Kim who's agreed to join us here at the university.
Sheldon: Of course he has. The Oracle told us little Neo was the one. You can see the matrix, can't you?
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Howard: I know the type. Cheerleader, student council, goes out with the jocks, won't even look at anybody in the gifted program. If after 2 years of begging, she agrees to go out with you, it turns out to be a setup and you're in your mom's car with your pants off while the whole football team laughs at you *sobbing*.
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Rajesh: Why don't we do it your way then? We'll arrange for this girl to move in across the hall from Dennis so he can pathetically moon over her for months on end.
Leonard: Okay, that was uncalled for.
Rajesh: You started it, dude.
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Howard: I guess times have changed since we were young. Smart is the new sexy.
Leonard: Then why do we go home alone every night? We're still smart.
Rajesh: Maybe we're too smart. So smart it's off-putting.
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Raj: Can you believe it! He watched me work for 10 minutes and than he tried to build a little peace of software that could replace me!
Leonard: Is that really possible?
Raj: As it turned out, yes.
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Leonard: Ok. Sheldon, I understand that you are going through a career crisis. You're searching for some other area where you can feel valuable and productive, but I need to tell you something and I want you to listen carefully.
Sheldon: Alright.
Leonard: GO AWAY!


113-The Bat Jar Conjecture

Sheldon: Oh, and one more thing, it's on b*tch.
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Wolowitz: He [Raj] compared Sheldon to a disposable feminine cleansing product one might use on a Summer's Eve.
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Howard: (reading his mobile phone) Ooh, more details about the new Star Trek film! There is going to be a scene depicting Spock's birth. Raj: I'd be more interested in a scene depicting Spock's conception.
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(Arguing over the name for their team after having jointly decided to take part in the University Physics Bowl:)
Sheldon: Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures thus intimidating one's opponent.
Raj: Then we could be the Bengal tigers.
Sheldon: Poor choice. You know, gram for gram no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant.
Raj: Maybe so, but you can't incinerate a Bengal tiger with a magnifying glass.
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Sheldon: What rat have you recruited to the SS sinking ship?
Leslie: Hello Sheldon.
Sheldon: Leslie Winkle.
Leslie: Yeah Leslie Winkle. The answer to the question, who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?
Sheldon: Yes well I am polymerised tree saps and you are an inorganic adhesive so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off me, returns on its original trajectory and adheres to you. 
Leslie: Oh, ouch.
-
Leslie: There's no reason to feel uncomfortable just because we've seen each other's faces and naked bodies contorted in the sweet agony of coitus. Rest assured that any aspects of our sexual relationship regarding your preferences, your idiosyncrasies, your performance, are still protected by the inherent confidentiality of the bedroom.
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*Raj laughs in an "evil" way*
Wolowitz: That's more like: We're tall thin women who want to make a coat out of your Dalmatians.
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Sheldon: You're asking me to use my superior intellect in a tawdry competition. Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?
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Leonard: Come on, you need a four-person team. We're four people
Sheldon: By that reasoning we should also play bridge, hold up a huppah and enter the Olympic bobsled competition.
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Howard: Don't you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer.
Sheldon: By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I'm a mammal.
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Raj: I say we wait until he looks at us then laugh, like "Yes, you're a smart and strong competitor but we're also smart and strong and we have a reasonable chance in defeating you".
Leonard: How exactly would that laugh go?
*Raj laughs*
Howard: That sounds more like "We are a tall thin woman who wants to make a coat out of your dalmatians"
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Penny: Tweety Bird tawt he taw a what?
(Sheldon and Leonard stare at Penny quietly)
Sheldon: A romulan.
Penny: Yes, he tawt he taw a romulan.


114-The Nerdvana Annihilation

Sheldon: Are you upset about something?
Leonard: What was your first clue?
Sheldon: Well there was a number of things. First the late hour, then you demeanors seems very low energy plus your irritability...
Leonard: Yes I'm upset!
Sheldon: Oh... I don't usually pick up on those things. Good for me.
Leonard: Yeah good for you.
Sheldon: (walks away and then turns back) Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what's bothering you?
Leonard: I don't know... maybe.
Sheldon: Wow! I'm on fire tonight.
-
Sheldon: A little misunderstanding? Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding...
-
Leonard : I just assumed. Who sells a full-sized time machine for $800?
Sheldon : In a vent diagram that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets 'no longer want my time machine' and 'need $800'
-
[While pushing the time machine upstairs]
Leonard: Come on, guys, push!
Sheldon: If I push any harder I'm gonna give birth to my colon.
-
Leonard: Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me?
Sheldon: Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious.
Leonard: What if I knock you unconscious now?
Sheldon: It won't change the past.
Leonard: But it'd make the present so much nicer.
-
Penny: It is the things you love that make you who you are.
Wolowitz: I guess that makes me large breasts.


115-The Pork Chop Indeterminacy

Wolowitz: Sheldon, I'd kill my Rabbi with a pork chop to be with your sister.
-
Sheldon: You're out, too, by the way.
Leonard: Say what?
Sheldon: It's nothing personal, I'd just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn't become flatulent every time they eat an Eskimo pie.
-
Rajesh: Missy. Do you enjoy pajamas?
Missy: I guess.
Rajesh: Yes, well, we Indians invented them. (leans in toward her) You're welcome.
Howard: Yeah, well my people invented circumcision. (leans in toward Missy) You're welcome.
-
Sheldon: Eat this slice of cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister.
-
Howard: Well, she's free to examine my briefs (about Sheldon's sister).
Leonard: Howard!
Howard: I know! I'm disgusting. should be punished. By her. Oh, look I did it again.
-
Howard: Nobody ever expects me. (Turns to Sheldon's sister and shakes her hand.) And bam! Howard Wolowitz.
-
Howard: Destiny thy name is Anaheim!
-
Howard: Hey, look at me I'm a fancy Indian man! We invented pajamas! (About what Raj said to Sheldon's sister.)


116-The Peanut Reaction

Sheldon: 1234 is not a secure password.
-
Store Clerk: You don't work here.
Sheldon: Well aparently no one does.
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Sheldon: What type of Computer do you have? And please don't say a white one.
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[Sheldon is refusing to buy a present for Leonard]
Howard: [to Penny] Try telling him it's a non optional social convention.
Penny: What?
Howard: Just do it!
Penny: [to Sheldon] It's a non optional social convention.
Sheldon: Oh! Fair enough.
[Penny surprised]
Howard: He came with a manual.
-
Sheldon: Hello, Penny! Leonard just left.
Penny: I know. I wanna talk to you.
Sheldon: What would WE talk about? We have no overlapping areas of interest, as I'm aware of. And you know I don't care for chit-chat.
Penny: Can you just let me in?
Sheldon: Well, OK but I don't see this is a promising endeavor.
-
Leonard: My parents focused on celebrating achievements and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
-
Howard: Try telling him it's a non-optional social convention.
Penny: What?
Howard: Just do it!
Penny: *To Sheldon* It's a non-optional social convention.
Sheldon: Ah, fair enough.
Howard: He came with a manual.
-
Store Clerk: Excuse me Sir, you don't work here
Sheldon: Yes, well apparently neither does anyone else
-
Penny: That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
Howard: (to Leonard) Go ahead. Tell her about your senior prom.
-
Leonard: Howard, every Thai restorant in town knows you can't eat peanuts. When they see me coming they say, 'Ah! No peanut boy!'


117-The Tangerine Factor

Leonard: Why are you learning Chinese?
Sheldon: I believe the Szechuan Palace has been passing off orange chicken as tangerine chicken, and I intend to confront them.
Leonard: If I were you, I'd be more concerned about what they're passing off as chicken.
-
*Howard is teaching Sheldon Chinese*.
Howard: You know, I'm really glad you decided to learn Mandarin.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: Once you're fluent, you'll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me.
-
Raj: Incredible. You managed to screw up the screw up

Source : TheBigBangTheory.com