Quotes Saison 5

501-The Skank Reflex Analysis

Sheldon: For the record, I do have genitals. They're functional and aesthetically pleasing.
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Sheldon: If there is ever a church of Sheldon, it started here.
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Sheldon: Whenever you're ready, AT&T!
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Raj: You can't ruin a friendship with sex ... that's like ruining ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.
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(Leonard has just told Beverly about the Raj/Priya/Penny mess)
Beverly: I understand.
Leonard: Got any advice?
Beverly: Yes ... buck up.
Leonard: Excuse me, you're a world-renowned expert in parenting and child development, and all you've got is "buck up"?
Beverly: I'm sorry. (pause) Buck up, sissypants!
Leonard: Thanks, Mother. I feel much better.
Beverly: If you need any more help from me, my books are available on Amazon. Logging off...
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Sheldon: Geology isn't a real science!
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Sheldon: If I could I would, but I can't so I shan't
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Sheldon: If it's good enough for Kirk, Crunch, and Kangaroo it's good enough for me.
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Amy: A guest in my trundle bed and a boy at my door. I wish I can tell my thirteen year old self it does get better.
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Bernadette: (Yelling at Raj) I'M NICE TO EVERYONE!
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Amy: You can't blame yourself. When your pre-frontal cortex fails to make you happy, promiscuity rewards you with the needed flood of Dopamine. We neurobiologists refer to it as the Skank reflex"!
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Amy: Don't be so hard on yourself. Do you know the story of Catherine The Great?
Penny: No.
Amy: She ruled Russia in the late 1700s and one night when she was feeling particularly randy she used an intricate system of police to have intimate relations with a horse.
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Penny: You heard what I did?
Amy: I heard who you did.
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Leonard: How could you not tell me your sister was moving back to India?
Howard: Maybe he was too busy writing clumsy penis metaphors about my fiancee.
Raj: Screw you, that was a beautifully-written penis metaphor.


502-The Infestation Hypothesis

Leonard: You're a woman, and I'm going to make you feel things you have never felt before. That's right, say my name, and beg me for more because I'm going to give it to you!
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Penny: (To Sheldon) We are like an old married couple!
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Penny: (Answering the door to Sheldon) What's up, buttercup?
Penny: (Answering the door again) What's the word, hummingbird?
Penny: (And again) What's the gist, physicist?
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Sheldon: (Freaking Out at Penny's Chair) I'm sitting on garbage!
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Amy: Kiss me where I've never been kissed before?
Sheldon: You mean like Salt Lake City?
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Sheldon: If your video's frozen try re-setting the TCP/IP stack
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Amy: You are aware that your ritualistic knocking behavior is symptomatic of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?
Sheldon: Is not. Is not, is not.
Amy: Denial. Denial, denial.
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Leonard: Sheldon, you do this all the time! You fixate on some crazy idea then blow it way out of proportion.
Sheldon: Name one time I've done that?
Leonard: How about the time you put GPS trackers in your garbage because you thought North Korean spies were stealing your doodles? The chicken nuggets you thought were human nuggets? The mysterious cloud that was following you around town? Or the time you put my shirt on by accident and thought you were growing again?
Sheldon: I said name one, you need to work on your listening.
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Sheldon: *Knock knock knock* Penny,
*Knock knock knock* Penny,
*Knock knock knock* Penny,
Penny: What's the jist, physicist?


503-The Pulled Groin Extrapolation

Amy: The only person who signed my yearbook was my mother. "Dear Amy, self respect and a hymen are far better than friends and fun, Love Mom".
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Bernadette: Good Morning, handsome.
Howard: (Waking up) Good morning, mom.
Bernadette: It's me!
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Sheldon: *Karate chops Leonard* She is not for you!
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Amy: I have a sorta kinda boyfriend at home playing with a model train, but you don't hear me bitching about it.
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Bernadette: (Sounding like Mrs. Wolowitz) He wants some butter!
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Penny: Hey Sheldon, let's play punchies to see who gets the last dumpling
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Leonard: It turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin is a little worse for wear.
*Sheldon karate chops Leonard*
Leonard: Why did you do that?
Sheldon: To send a message: She is not for you!
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Not for you!
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Wolowitz: You have to wonder about grown men who play with toy trains.
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Sheldon: All these years I've been so wrong! The tinier the trains, the more concentrated the fun!


504-The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Sheldon: The dice giveth and the dice taketh away.
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Raj: I was so smooth on that date.
Howard: Dude, I made you smooth, you were an idiot.
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Penny: This girl is trouble! What kind of relationship is it where you buy her gifts and she gives you sex?
Raj: The best one I've ever had!
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Raj: She gives me things, too.
Raj's father: Yeah, yeah, I'm a gynaecologist. I know exactly what she gives you.
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Raj: I don't know if I wanna play any more.
Sheldon: Because you don't have a girlfriend? Well, good lord. If that becomes a reason to not play dungeons and dragons, this game is in serious trouble.
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Penny: (Whispers) Here she comes.
Howard: Smart. Whisper so the deaf chick doesn't hear you!
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(The guys are playing Dungeons & Dragons, with Sheldon as GM.)
Sheldon: The entrance to the dungeon is a moss covered door. You manage to open it only to find yourself face-to-face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do?
Howard: I say, "Hey Ma, what's for dinner?"


505-The Russian Rocket Reaction

Sheldon: [To Penny] You just got off the list, would you like back on it?
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Amy: Now Sheldon, I know you're a left handed monkey wrench but you seriously have a mortal enemy
Sheldon: Yes, in fact I have 61. Would you like to see the list?
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Sheldon: (To Brent Spiner) You are now my mortal enemy.
Wil Wheaton: (To Brent Spiner) Don't worry it doesn't take up too much of your time.
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Bernadette: Oh, boo-hoo, you're not going to space!
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Sheldon: This will just take a moment, it's on a five and a quarter inch floppy.
Amy: A floppy disk?
Sheldon: Well, I started the list when I was nine.
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Sheldon: Until you either do not go or go to Wil Wheaton's party you are simultaneously my friend and not my friend. I'm characterizing this phenomenon as Schrodinger's Friendship.
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Penny: Wait, what is going on?
Sheldon: In case you have forgotten, Schrodinger's cat is a thought experiment.
Penny: No, no, no, no, I didn't forget. Um, there's this cat in a box and until you open it, it's either dead or alive or both. Although, back in Nebraska, our cat got stuck in my brother's camp trunk, and we did not need to open it to know there was all kinds of dead cat in there.
Amy: Homespun stories, knowledge of physics and a bosom that defies it. You're the whole package, aren't you?
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Leonard: Going to Wheaton's party is not betraying you.
Sheldon: Oh, of course you would have to believe that. Evil always thinks it's doing right. Excuse me, Stormtrooper. These are the droids you're looking for.
Leonard: I'm going to a party. I'm not turning R2-D2 and C-3PO over to the empire!
Sheldon: Not yet.


506-The Rhinitis Revelation

Leonard: (To Sheldon) You're talking like a crazy person.
Mary: Actually, I had him tested as a child. Doctor says he's fine.
Sheldon: (To Leonard) Told ya.
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Sheldon: You can lead a chicken to crisco, but you can't make your mother fry it.
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Raj: I couldn't find you guys, so I bought six new friends! Sadly, three of them are dead.
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(To Mary, about Sheldon & Amy's relationship)
Leonard: It's kinda like the Loch Ness Monster. Maybe there's something there, maybe there isn't. We'll never know but sometimes it's fun to creep yourself out thinking about it.
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Sheldon: That reminds me of another saying: You can lead a chicken to Crisco, but you can't make your mother fry it.
Mary Cooper: Sheldon, you pester me one more time about chicken and I will put you over my knee right here in this restaurant.
Leonard: Please pester her? Please? For me.
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Mary: Back home, there's a woman works at the Wal-Mart - tall, tall girl. Woman could hunt geese with a rake.
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(Talking about about his mother's upcoming Christian cruise)
Sheldon: Frankly, Mom, I'm encouraged to see how advanced your group has become -- willing to sail into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.
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(Howard has just told Mary about his upcoming trip to the International Space Station.)
Mary Cooper: I bet your mom is really proud of you.
Howard: Nope. She says if I don't back out, she's gonna go on a hunger strike. It'd take years before she'd be in any kind of danger, but still....
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Mary: (To Leonard, explaining Gunning with God) Oh, it is a hoot and a half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire 'em up in the air and you pulverize 'em with a twelve gage shotgun full of our Lord's forgiveness.
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Leonard: What did you think of the sushi?
Mary: It was good. Only thing - would have made it better if it was cooked - and if it was beef!
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Mary: Just because a cat's got kittens in the oven doesn't make 'em biscuits.
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Mary: Could the reason you can't find a guy is because you're letting them ride the rollercoaster without buying a ticket?
Penny: Oh, they don't always get to ride the roller coaster. Sometimes they only get to spin the teacups.
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Mary Cooper: It's all themed. There's Jonah and the Whale Watching. All-you-can-eat Last Supper Buffet. And my personal favorite, Gunning with God.
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Penny: That top has paid off in free drinks 10 times what I originally paid for it.
Sheldon: Yes, Penny has a lot of money tied up in promiscuity futures.
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Amy: Sheldon, is it possible that your foul mood -- or, to use the clinical term, bitchiness -- is because your mother isn't making you a priority?
Sheldon: No. Or, to use the clinical term: "nuh-uh."
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Sheldon: There's a lot of harm in trying something new. That's why we test out drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits.
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Mary Cooper: When I was your age you could have me for a car ride and a bottle of strawberry wine.


507-The Good Guy Fluctuation

Raj: (Talking to the snake) Let's go to the biology lab and find you some nice yummy mice. *Raj leaves the room*
Sheldon: I tried to scare an Indian with a snake. Come on, Cooper. You're better than this.
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Sheldon: All right, so the topic at hand is sexual fidelity. Probably won't be relying on Suess here. Although One Fish Two Fish, Red Fish Blue Fish might be surprisingly applicable here.
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Sheldon: It's me, Mrs. Wolowitz.
Howard: That's not my mom, that's Bernadette.
Sheldon: Really? That's rather unsettling.
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Leonard: No no, you have it wrong. I was going to be a jerk but I stopped myself
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Leonard: More Halloween candy. I thought you already bought some.
Penny: Yeah, that's gone. It's a bad month when Halloween and PMS hit at the same time.
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Sheldon: Bazinga punk! Now we're even!
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Wolowitz: (To Leonard) Did I just see you pick up a girl in a comic book store?
Stuart: Because if you did, you get your picture up there, on the Wall of Heroes.
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Sheldon: I am also a son of the Lonestar state. I'm Texas through and through. And we know how to settle scores down there... if you doubt me, just ask Mexico.
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Sheldon: You know, the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche believed that morality is just a fiction used by the herd of inferior human beings to hold back the few superior men ... It's worth noting that he died of syphilis.
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Sheldon: "See you in hell Sheldon" The most frightening about that is the missing comma.
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Sheldon: Come on out, merry pranksters. Take a bow!
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(after scaring Sheldon with his mailbox prank) You may be from Texas, but I'm from New Jersey.
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(Leonard & Alice are kissing)
Leonard: Damn it, I can't. I can't do this.
Alice: Is it my tongue stud? 'Cause if that freaks you out, you're in for a real surprise later on.
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(Leonard is discussing his dating conundrum.)
Leonard: Well ... they say at the end of your life, you regret the stuff you didn't do more than the stuff that you did. And, I'm pretty sure Alice is the stuff I want to do.
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Penny: It's a rough month when Halloween and PMS hit at the same time.
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Leonard: Oh. Watch out, Sheldon. This little boy Casper is a g-g-g-ghost!
Sheldon: Droll.
Howard: Not as droll as a grown man passed out in a puddle of his own urine.
Leonard: That was pretty droll. With a hint of ammonia.
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Penny: Leonard, you're looking for a way to sleep with both women and have everybody be happy about it.
Leonard: Now we're getting somewhere.
Penny: What does your gut tell you?
Leonard: Go ask Penny; she'll know what to do.
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Howard: You should've seen the look on your face!
Sheldon: Oh, yes. The slightly widened eyes of mildly surprised.
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Sheldon: The German philosopher Frederick Nietzsche once said that Morality is a fiction created by a herd of inferior men to hold back the few superior men ... it's worth noting that he died of syphilis.
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Sheldon: The only thing scary about that is the missing comma.


508-The Isolation Permutation

Sheldon: The two of you need to get your women in line!
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Last night I was strong armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler, this on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space time geometry in higher spin gravity and building my lego death star ... and why? Because your gal pals Penny and Bernadette went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory, or my lego fun time!
Howard: What do you want us to do about it?
Sheldon: You clearly weren't listening to my
topic sentence, get your women in line! You make them apologize to Amy and set things right! I am a man of science not someone's snuggle bunny! Leonard: Why do I have to talk to Penny? She's not my girlfriend.
Sheldon: You invited her to lunch 4 years ago. Everything about her is on you, you make it so!
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Amy: Sheldon, sometimes you forget, I'm a lady. And, with that comes an estrogen- fueled need to page through thick glossy magazines that make me hate my body.
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Amy: Whee! Ooh, finally someone found second base.
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(Amy & Sheldon are awkwardly cuddling.)
Amy: I'm just saying, second base is right there.
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Amy: At this moment, I find myself craving human intimacy and physical contact.
Sheldon: Oh, boy.
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Sheldon: I can't seem to get in touch with Amy. I tried e-mail, video chat, tweeting her, posting on her Facebook wall,texting her, nothing.
Leonard: Did you try calling her on the telephone?
Sheldon: The telephone. You know, Leonard, in your own simple way, you may be the wisest of us all.
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Leonard: Come on, she's your friend.....step up! [knock] Amy. [knock] Amy. [knock] Amy. (turns to leave) Bye!
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Leonard: I'm single. I don't need this crap!
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Sheldon: New topic: women. Delightfully mysterious or bat-crap crazy?


509-The Ornithophobia Diffusion

Amy: If you're keeping him, I've got a cage you can borrow. One of the test monkeys slipped on a banana peel and broke his neck. It was both tragic and hysterical.
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Sheldon: Trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn't be living here. I'd be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray.
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Leonard: I'm going to the movies with Penny. I don't want her to think I think it's a date.
Sheldon: Do you think it's a date?
Leonard: No, but she might think I think it's a date even though I don't.
Sheldon: Or you might think she thinks you think it's a date even though she doesn't.
Leonard: Are we over thinking this?
Sheldon: Not at all.
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Leonard: Star Wars on Blu-ray.
Penny: Haven't you seen that movie like a thousand times?
Leonard: Not on Blu-ray. Only twice on Blu-ray.
Penny: Oh, Leonard.
Leonard: I know, it's high resolution sadness.
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Penny: And,remember he's more afraid of you than you are of him.
Sheldon: That doesn't help.
Penny: No, I was talking to the bird.
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(Leonard is dressed in t-shirt, jeans, and backwards ball cap)
Leonard: Too casual?
Sheldon: For an audience with the queen, yes. For an evening of passing a bottle of fortified wine around a flaming trash can, you look great.
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(Leonard is pointing out the monotonous movie habits of their former relationship.)
Leonard: No. You always picked and it was always the same. An hour and a half of beach houses in the rain until the woman turns around and realizes love was here all along.
Penny: But, come on, that was a great movie and it starts in ten minutes.
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Raj: Come on, Sheldon, Star Wars.
Howard: I'm pushing play. I mean it. If we don't start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again.
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Sheldon: Come back here, you stupid bird, so I can love you.
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Penny: Really? On top of everything you're afraid of birds?
Sheldon: Its called ornithophobia and someday it will be recognized as a true disability and the landlord will be required by law to put a giant net over the building, which is unfortunate because I have a fear of nets.
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Leonard: Do you think I'm overdressed?
Sheldon: It depends on the activity. For a prostate exam? Yes. If you're playing Vegas, I'd add sequins.
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Sheldon: Hummingbirds are the vampires of the flower world.
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Raj: That is one tough birdie.


510-The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition

Penny: Strap on a pair and go talk to Amy.
Sheldon: Strap on a pair of what ... skates?
Penny: Oh, you are so not the guy.
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Sheldon: I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.
Amy: I'm listening.
Sheldon: With the understanding that nothing changes what so ever - physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.
Amy: Interesting, now try it without the quadruple negative.
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Sheldon: I believe I do, I'm the guy.
Penny: You're not the guy.
Sheldon: Are you sure? It would explain so much, your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time.
Penny: I call everyone sweetie.
Sheldon: You tramp!
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Amy: Goodnight, Stuart.
Stuart: Goodnight.
*Stuart and Amy hug*
Sheldon: (From inside Amy's apartment) Take the hint, Stuart, the lady said goodnight!
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Amy: I think a boy likes me!
Bernadette: Doesn't he know you have a boyfriend?
Penny: She doesn't have a boyfriend, she has a Sheldon.
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Amy: Sheldon I'm disappointed, as a brilliant man you're entitled to a vice. I could understand frequenting an opium den or hunting your fellow man for sport, but this lame-o!
Sheldon: A, comic books employ story telling through sequential art, a medium that dates back 17, 000 years to the cave paintings of Lasco and B, you play the harp. Like that's cool.
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Leonard: Hey, can I talk to you about something? It's a little awkward.
Sheldon: I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you're at, you're wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching. (pauses) Yes! And if I may suggest, consider changing discipline, to the humanities or perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don't have to create things, you know, you just have to remember stuffs that happened and then parrot it back. You can have fun with that
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Leonard: Stuart's kind of interested in Amy.
Sheldon: Well of course he is. She's very interesting. Did you know, when she was 14, she severed the webbing between her own toes?
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Sheldon: I'm not sure how to respond, Leonard. I don't own Amy. You can't own a person, at least not since?
*Leonard stares at him*
Sheldon: 1863. When President Lincoln freed the?
*Leonard looks fed up*
Sheldon: Slaves. Come on, Leonard. If you're gonna teach history, these are the kind of facts you'll have to know.
Leonard: You know what, never mind.
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(Sheldon knocks on Penny's door three times)
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny. '(Knocks 3 times)
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny. (Knocks 3 times)
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny.
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Howard: It's amazing people keep coming to comic book stores instead of just downloading comics digitally.
Leonard: It's probably for the best. For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here is the only chance their mom has to go down to the basement to change their sheets.
Howard: Oh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight. Yay!
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Stuart: Can I help you find anything?
Amy: A comic that doesn't depict a woman whose bosom can be used as a flotation device.
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Howard: You interested in Amy?
Stuart: Well, I mean she didn't look through me with soul-sucking ball-shriveling hatred and contempt. I like that in a woman.
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Bernadette: I'm too small for Twister. And, roller coasters. And sitting with my feet on the floor. Hope you enjoyed the prenatal cigarettes, Mom.
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Penny: Amy, little vixen. Just working it under all those layers of wool and polyester.
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Sheldon: I got a splinter.
Amy: What do you want me to do about it?
Sheldon: Relationship agreement - Section 4: Boo-boos and ouchies. You have to take care of it.
Amy: I should've gotten a lawyer.
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Amy: How did you get into my apartment?
Sheldon: Wow, is that the kind of nagging I should expect now that you're my girlfriend?
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Amy: (Reading Sheldon's relationship agreement) Section 5, Hand Holding: Hand holding is only allowed under the following circumstances: A. ether party is in danger of falling of a, cliff, precipice or ledge; B. ether party is deserving of a hearty hand shake after winning a noble prize; C. moral support during flu shots.
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Sheldon: I present to you the Relationship Agreement. A binding covenant that in its 31 pages enumerates, illuminates and codifies the responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper (hereinafter referred to as the "Boyfriend") and Amy Farrah Fowler (hereinafter referred to as the "Girlfriend).
Amy: That's so romantic!
Sheldon: Mutual indemnification always is...
strong
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Sheldon: (knock, knock, knock) Penny!
(knock, knock, knock) Amy!
(knock, knock, knock) Bernadette!
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Bernadette: I'm too small for Twister. And, roller coasters. And sitting with my feet on the floor. Hope you enjoyed the prenatal cigarettes, Mom.
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Stuart: I'll ring it up. It's like shooting nerds in a barrel.


511-The Speckerman Recurrence

Leonard: Do you think we can outrun him?
Sheldon: I don't need to outrun him, I just need to outrun you.
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Sheldon: I'm not going to say I told you so... But we could have killed him.
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Penny: Did Sheldon change the Wi-Fi password again?
Leonard: Yeah, it's "Penny already eats our food she can pay for Wi-Fi". No spaces.
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Sheldon: I platonically love you, man, but you're a mess.
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Sheldon: I don't watch you 24-hours a day. I don't know what you do.
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Sheldon: You are soft. The world is going to chew you then spit you out.
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*After Jimmy Speckerman comments on how close he and Leonard were in highschool*
Wolowitz: Yeah, like the Black Death and Europe.


512-The Shiny Trinket Maneuver

Penny: Amy doesn't want a pocket watch.
Sheldon: Maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch.
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Sheldon: This may be hard to believe, but I may not be boyfriend material.
Leonard: Wow. I'm so glad I was sitting down for that!
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Amy: Jewelry?! Sheldon, you are the most shallow, self-centered person I have ever met! Do you really think another transparently manipulative- ohh, it's a tiara!
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Wolowizt: I mean, even Donkey Kong had Donkey Kong Jr. So he could teach someone how to kidnap princesses and throw barrels at Italian plumbers.
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Penny: Wow, Amy! You look beautiful!
Amy: Of course, I'm beautiful! I'm a princess! *Hugs Sheldon*
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Sheldon: (To Penny) You were right, the tiara was too much.
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Sheldon: I don't think there's anything in this jewelry store that Amy would appreciate more than the humidifier that we were just looking at at Sears.
Penny: Oh, my God, now I know what I sound like to you when I say stupid stuff.
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Wolowitz: My mother can be a pretty good shoulder to cry on...if the smell of Ben Gay doesn't burn your eyes


513-The Recombination Hypothesis

Sheldon: Why would I feel safer with Zachary Quinto at the foot of my bed?
Leonard: I don't know, he was pretty bad ass on Heroes.
Sheldon: (Thinking about it) ... Nope. Sorry Quinto, you're going back!
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Sheldon: I have sheep, I need wood. Who has wood for my sheep? C'mon ... I just want wood. Why are you making it so hard?
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Sheldon: I know he (Spock) wouldn't care for an outburst of human emotion, but oh goodie, oh goodie, oh goodie!
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Sheldon: I love my mind.
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Leonard: Some kind of nerd?. I'm the king of nerds.
Penny: What does that mean?
Leonard: It means that if someone makes me mad, I won't help them set up their printer.
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Sheldon: Oh no, they sent the wrong Spock. Live long and suck it, Zachary Quinto!
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Leonard: What are you afraid of?
Penny: Well, what if we do go out and I do something stupid and dump you again.
Leonard: What if I dump you?
Penny: [Scoffs] Come on, be serious.
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Leonard: Penny and Leonard 2.0. We can test it internally, shake out the bugs, and if we both think it is solid, we roll it out to the public.
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Leonard: How does a miserable date end in sex?
Penny: I don't know, it's complicated.
Leonard: Well, I'm a pretty smart guy and right now my brain has dibs on the blood supply so give it a go.
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Leonard: No, just you and me.
Penny: Have you thought this through?
Leonard: Yes, and I think we should go anyway.
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Bernadette: Boy, I don't know if I could be friends with Howie if we broke up.
Howard: Why not?
Bernadette: I'm a very vengeful person.
Howard: Really?
Bernadette: With access to weaponized smallpox.
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Sheldon: Now, back to our game.
Raj: You were in the middle of an erection.
Sheldon: Oh, of course. It's right here in my hand.
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Sheldon: And now that I have some wood. I'm going to begin the erection of my settlement.
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Raj: Did you forget what Penny did to you? It took two years and defiling my sister to turn that frown upside down.
Leonard: I didn't defile your sister, we had a relationship.
Raj: I heard you called her Brown Sugar. In my book, that's defilement.
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Penny: You mean, like a date?
Leonard: Not like a date, a date.


514-The Beta Test Initiation

Penny: Bug report: when a guy asks me to spend some time with him, maybe he plans something a little more interesting than hanging out at home and watching TV.
Leonard: Even Doctor Who?
Penny: Even Doctor Who.
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Sheldon: Now, today's episode of 'Fun with Flags' is not fun. But it is important: Flags. You gotta know how to hold 'em, you gotta know how to fold 'em.
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Leonard: I play Grand Theft Auto. I know about gats ... *gun fires*
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Leonard: So, I've got a gunshot wound. That's pretty bad-ass.
Penny: No, you've got a Reebok with a gunshot wound and an ouchie on your pinky toe.
-
Raj: I can't believe I bought my soul mate at Glendale Galleria.
-
Bernadette: Who's Siri? Is he dating someone new?
Howard: Yes, his phone.
Bernadette: Is that cute? Or creepy?
-
Leonard: Can you be more specific on how my eyebrows are "stupid"? No, never mind. It's right here.
-
Raj: I'd like for you to call me sexy.
Siri: [chimes] From now on, I'll call you sexy. Okay?
Raj: Okay!
-
Amy: Her heart's full of love, no one cares what's in her mouth.
-
Leonard: It's color-coded. Red means "fix right away" Yellow is "eh, whenever you get a chance." And, green is "I could probably learn to live with it."
-
Howard: She (Siri) is gonna break his heart.
-
Howard: [Chuckles] Look at that. There's finally a woman in your life you can talk to.
-
Raj: Whoa! What's your hurry, cowboy? Savor the moment.
*Raj and Howard slowly remove the plastic off Raj's new iPhone 4S*
Howard: Oh, yeah.
-
Penny: You mean like a beta test?
Leonard: Well, technically, this would be an alpha test. A beta test requires people that weren't involved in the development of the appli....
Penny: Seriously, do I not get credit for knowing beta test?
Leonard: No, absolutely you should.
-
Leonard: I missed you.
Penny: You see me all the time. You sure you don't just miss the sex?
Leonard: Well, yeah, the sex with you is pretty great. Have you ever tried it?
Penny: I have. You're not wrong.
-
Kripke: Can you wecommend a westuwant?
Siri: I'm sorry I don't understand "wecommend a westuwant."


515-The Friendship Contraction

Howard: You can't do "Buzz." Buzz is taken.
Raj: Buzz Lightyear is not real.
Howard: No, that's not what I'm talking about.
Raj: Well, are you talking about when he thought he was real?
Howard: No.
-
Sheldon: Wine and a girl in the dark ... he's going to be bored out of his mind.
-
Sheldon: You're my girlfriend and you're not going to cater to my every need? Where'd the magic go?
-
Sheldon: I would have been here sooner but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.
-
Penny: Sheldon, that's not what girlfriends are for. Although you don't use them for what they're for, so what do I know?
-
Leonard: You call that a glow stick? *Pulls out a Lightsaber* This is a glow stick!
-
Sheldon: To amend the words of Toy Story, you have not got a friend in me.
-
Raj: They don't call me Brown Dynamite for nothin'.
-
Howard: I got pretty exciting NASA news today. Next week I fly to Houston for orientation and zero-gravity elimination drills.
Penny: What does that mean?
Bernadette: He's gonna to learn to poop in space.
Howard: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
Raj: Maybe your nickname should be "Brown Dynamite."
-
Leonard: Sheldon, Canada is not going to invade California.
Sheldon: Yeah, really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them?
-
Astronaut Mike Massimino: (Talking to Howard) No problem ... Fruit Loops.
-
Leonard: Oh, great! I get another night in front of our apartment dressed like one of the Village People!
Sheldon: You tell that joke every 3 months, and I still don't get it!
-
Mrs Wolowitz: Howard, your Fruit Loops are getting soggy!
-
Sheldon: Rise and shine sleepy head, half the town is dead.
-
Sheldon: It took me a gallon of urine to get that water!
-
Sheldon: Uh Oh. Hypothetical aftershock. (Leonard falls to the floor) And that's why we wear hard-hats.


516-The Vacation Solution

Sheldon: This place could really use a suggestion box.
-
Sheldon: Hawaii is a former Leaper Colony on top of an active Volcano where the disappointing ending to Lost was filmed. Mahalo for nothing, Hawaii.
-
Sheldon: You've got the brilliant Sheldon Cooper in your lab and are going to ask him to do the dishes? That's like asking the Incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar.
-
Sheldon: Biologists are mean.
-
(Penny talking to Sheldon & Howard at the Cheesecake Factory Bar.)
Penny: Hey, what you guys doing here?
Howard: We're grown men we drink at bars.
Penny: No and no.
(to Howard) Everything okay with you and Bernadette?
Howard: Oh yeah, SURE.
Penny: (to Sheldon) You and Amy? Good?
Sheldon: Oh, better than good.
Penny: You know those girls text me every detail of their lives as it happens?
Howard: I'm not signing a pre-nup.
Penny: All right Howard Wolowitz listen up! You sign anything she puts in front of you. Because you are the luckiest man alive if you let her go there is NO way you can find anyone else. Speaking on behalf of all women, it's not going to happen - we had a meeting.
-
Howard: Why don't I talk to him about it in May?
Bernadette: In May, you're gonna be on the International Space Station.
Howard: They got a phone.
-
Bernadette: And just to be safe, when you talk to him, don't bring up Jimmy Carter, gardeners, foreign people, homosexuals, Sean Penn, Vatican II, gun control, organic food, the designated hitter rule, recycling or the fact that you're Jewish.
-
Amy: Oh ... are we nervous, Dr. Cooper?
Sheldon: No. What you see is a man trembling with confidence.
-
Sheldon: This is now the only lab with glassware washed by a man with two doctorates and a restraining order signed by Carl Sagan.
Amy: Soap spots. Wash them again.
-
Amy: I'm excited to work with my boyfriend. It's going to be romantic.
Sheldon: Way to kill the mood.
-
Penny: So you're saying if I became a famous movie star, we got married, you wouldn't sign a pre-nup?
Leonard: Absolutely not! If I'm gonna be stuck at home with the kids while you're on location cheating on me with Ryan Gosling ... then Leonard gots to get paid.
-
Bernadette: Oh, I don't know. I don't want to manipulate him with sex.
Penny: Oh, sweetie ... that's what sex is for.
-
Leonard: Lobster traps?
Sheldon: Yes. That's how Velma and Scooby smuggled Shaggy into the old lighthouse.
-
Penny: You know I'm a big believer in breaking bad news to a guy when you're in bed with him. That's how I told my high school boyfriend I slept with his brother. That's how I told his brother the same thing.


517-The Rothman Disintegration

Raj: I'm glad men are wearing hats again. They are so distinguished.
-
Amy: I'll let you in on a little secret. Originally, we were painted nude. But I had him add clothes cause I thought it was an unnecessary challenge to our heterosexuality.
Penny: Yeah, good call.
Amy: But, if you ever change your mind, all it would take is some warm, soapy water and a couple of sponges.
Penny: You're talking about the painting, right?
Amy: Sure.
-
Sheldon: I'm trying to raise the temperature in here before my nipples tear through my shirt.
-
Amy: Goodnight, Painting Penny. Goodnight, Real Penny.
Penny: Goodnight, Real Amy.
Amy: You don't have to say goodnight to Painting Amy, because she's never leaving.
Bernadette: Goodnight, Real Penny. Goodnight, Transvestite Penny.
-
Leonard: It's going to be difficult to find something you are both equally good at.
Raj: Is there anything you are both equally bad at?
Sheldon and Kripke: Sports.
-
Penny: It's kind of heavy.
Bernadette: Too bad you're not as strong as the dude in the painting.
-
Kripke: Well, as long as we're here, I might as well take a leak.
Sheldon: Kripke ... you're in my spot.
-
Sheldon: If you're interested I can send you a link to a YouTube video that would show you how to perform your own rectal exam. Helpful hint: trim your nails first.
-
President Siebert: Now? You realize I'm your boss and I'm holding my penis.
-
Amy: Before I met you, I was a mousey wallflower. But look at me now. I'm like some kind of downtown-hipster-party girl with a posse, a boyfriend and a new lace bra that hooks in the front, of all things!
-
Howard: It's the twenty first century, you can't have a duel.
-
Leonard: Hang on, Howard. Barry, how good of a shot are you?
-
Sheldon: As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise. With that in mind, I propose the following: I will take Rothman's office... and you will find a way to be okay with that.
Kripke: How about I take Rothman's office and you go suck a wemon?


518-The Werewolf Transformation

Penny: Where are you going?
Sheldon: Wherever the music takes me, kitten.
-
Howard: Sometime thru the night an armadillo fell in, then he spooned me.
-
Leonard: Please don't be Sheldon playing Bongos.
-
Wolowitz: I'm so dehydrated. My pee's like toothpaste.
-
Sheldon: Walkin' down the stairs while playing bongos.
*Sheldon falls*
Sheldon: Never walk down the stairs while playing bongos.
-
Sheldon: Bongo solo!
-
Amy: There's not a hair on my body I wouldn't let this woman trim.
-
Leonard: It's 3 in the morning!
Sheldon: 3 in the morning is a good time for bongos.
Leonard: I was sleeping!
Sheldon: Leonard sleep while I play bongos.
Leonard: No, I don't.
Sheldon: Leonard no sleep while I play bongos.


519-The Weekend Vortex

Raj: But e-excuse me, I have something to say. None of you may realize it, but I was very much looking forward to this weekend. It was gonna be like the old days -- the four of us hanging out, playing video games, before you guys all got girlfriends. Do you have any idea what its like to the be the only one without a girlfriend? Even if I get one someday, I'll still be the guy who got a girl after Sheldon Cooper!
-
Amy: I'm dating Sheldon Cooper
Penny: Yes, and on on purpose.
Amy: He's handsome, he's lanky, he's brilliant and his skin has the pale, waxy quality.
Penny: Well, sickly is the new sexy.
-
Sheldon: Is the whip sound app contextually appropriate here?
Leonard: Uh, it is, but I think you might have waited too long for it to be funny.
[whip cracks]
Leonard: [Everyone laughs] I was wrong; it was still funny.
-
Leonard: Hmm, if it's yogurt that helps ladies poop, I think Raj beat you to it.
-
Leonard: We're always the good guys. In D&D, we're lawful good. In City of Heroes, we're the heroes. In Grand Theft Auto, we pay the prostitutes promptly and never hit them with a bat.
Sheldon: Those women are prostitutes? You said they were raising money for stem cell research.
-
Penny: Sorry, Stallion. Your weird friend, Giraffe, is here.
-
Howard: Now, I downloaded an app that might be helpful in this situation.
[whip cracks]
Sheldon: You're right. I'm smart as a whip. I should be able to figure this out.
-
Howard: Look, if you don't want to go to the party, just don't go. You're a grown man. Act like one. Tell Amy you want to spend the weekend having a sleepover and playing video games with your friends!
-
Leonard: I'd make fun of Sheldon for having girl problems, if I wasn't shocked that Sheldon has girl problems.
-
Leonard: We'll miss you Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, who wants to spend the whole weekend, running around a bunch of pretend planets, battling made up monsters? That's for babies.
Howard: Yeah, but it's got lightsabers.
Sheldon: Please, Amy! It's got lightsabers!
-
Sheldon: She's 93. She won't be disappointed for very long.
-
Leonard: It will be like our World of Warcraft party a few years ago when the neighbors called the cops on us.
Howard: They called the cops because of the smell. They thought we were dead.
Raj: We were badass back in the day.
Leonard: All right, let's do it.
Howard: 48 hours of Star Wars gaming.
Raj: It's on like Alderaan.
-
Raj: Hey, want to spend some time playing the new Star Wars game this weekend?
Leonard: Oh, I don't know. I kinda promised myself I'd get off the computer, be more physically active, get some exercise....?
Howard: You're about to walk up three flights of stairs.
Leonard: Good point. I'm in.
-
Penny: Sorry, Stallion. Your weird friend Giraffe is here.
-
Amy: That would be my boyfriend. Happier playing his dopey Star Trek game with his friends than hanging out with me
Penny: Wars.
Amy: What?
Penny: Star Wars. They get all cranky when you mix the two up.
Amy: What's the difference?
Penny: There is absolutely no difference!
-
Raj: I plan on leveling up in the game, not my swimsuit size, thank you very much.
-
Sheldon: I always thought if I were enslaved, it would be by an advanced species from another planet. Not some hotsie-totsie from Glendale.


520-The Transporter Malfunction

Leonard: You went to the comic book store by yourself?
Penny: Yeah! It was fun! I walked in and two different guys got asthma attacks. (shrugs shoulders) It felt pretty good.
-
Sheldon: I thought where you come from they don't have emotions.
Spock Doll: I come from a factory in Taiwan.
-
Sheldon: Everyone knows that I'm the group cut up.
-
Sheldon: 50% of marriages end in divorce, but 100% of sundae bars end in happiness.
-
Sheldon: I love astro-physics. It's like looking at the universe naked.
-
Leonard: Once you open the box it loses its value.
Penny: Ya, My mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity.
-
Spock Doll: Very well, I'll just use the Transporter...Oh, that's right...YOU broke it.
-
Raj: Let's go see if you fit in my man purse.
Bernadette: Metrosexual, my ass.
-
Raj: Oh, my goodness. Aren't you the cutest little Yorkie ever! You got him for me?
Howard: Her. We thought you two would hit it off.
Raj: I think we already have.
-
Penny: What is the truth?
Sheldon: My Mr. Spock doll came to me in a dream and forced me to open it. And when the toy broke I switched it for yours. Later, he encouraged me to do the right thing and I defied him. And then I was attacked by a Gorn.
Leonard: Okay, that I believe.
-
Raj: And, once again, my baloney likes girls.
-
Raj: With women! I like to boogie with women!
-
Lakshmi: I'm gay.
Raj: Like dude-on-dude but with women?
-
Spock Doll: What is the purpose of a toy?
Sheldon: To be played with.
Spock Doll: Therefore to not play with it would be...?
Sheldon: Illogical. Damn it, Spock, you're right.
-
Raj: No, I'm not gay. If anything, I'm metrosexual.
Dr. Koothrappali: What's that?
Raj: It means that I like women, as well as their skin-care products.
-
Sheldon: Yeah, I hate wedding receptions. Yeah, I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins. Slip on the ring, disappear and everyone goes home.
-
Bernadette: Metrosexual my ass!


521-The Hawking Excitation

Howard: Why should I do something nice for you?
Sheldon: To go to Jewish heaven.
Howard: Jews don't have heaven
Sheldon: To avoid Jewish Hell?
Howard: Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish Hell
-
Stephen Hawking: You made an arithmetic mistake on page 2.
*Sheldon stares*
Stephen Hawking: It was quite a boner.
-
Sheldon: I want you to tell me that Howard is being mean to me for no reason!
Penny: Fine, Howard is being mean to you for no reason.
Sheldon: I knew it!
-
Wolowitz: You don't seem to be understanding the English word no. Maybe a different language will help... Russian - Neyt, Chinese - Bu, Japanese- Iya, Klingon- ghobe, Binary Coded Ascii- 01101110 01101111
Sheldon: I'm not asking for me. I'm asking for Hawking.
Wolowitz: Let me try it gangsta.... Hellz Naw


522-The Stag Convergence

Sheldon: Oh, what do you know! You're half swan.
-
Sheldon: Indeed! If I'm to participate in the social convention that is the "stag night," then I must embrace all its components, including tobacco, swear words and, yes, alcohol. (takes a sip) Jeepers, that's yucky!


523-The Launch Acceleration

Sheldon: There is only one mind expanding drug this man enjoys, and that's called school.
-
Amy: We're playing doctor... Star Trek style. ;)
-
Sheldon: We should do this more often.


524-The Countdown Reflection

Sheldon: Would you like some aloe vera? Cause you just got burned.

Source : TheBigBangTheory.com