Quotes Saison 3

301-The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation

Penny: Sheldon, you know, I do understand what you're going through.
Sheldon: Really? Did you just have the Nobel Prize in Waitressing stolen from you?
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Howard: Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything, and you were acting like an obnoxious, giant dictator?
Raj: I thought we were going to be gentle with him.
Howard: That's why I added the '-tator'.
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Sheldon: Hello Penny. I realize you are currently in the mercy if your primitive biological urges. But, as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?
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Sheldon: They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that's why they hated me.
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Sheldon (to his mom): But, evolution is not opinion, it's a fact!
Sheldon's mom: And that is your opinion!
Sheldon (to Leonard, Howard and Raj): I forgive you, let's go home.
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Raj: I like the new look
Howard: Thanks.....I call it the Clooney
Raj: I call it the Mario and Luigi but whatever
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Leonard: Would please take off that stupid hat?
Howard: No, I want to blend in.
Raj: To what? Toy Story.
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Sheldon: I don't know which artic expedition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half.
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Howard: Damn it! I should've gone over and told [Penny] we were back.
Raj: Yeah, it was first come first serve.
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Sheldon: No mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I am home safe does not prove it worked, that logic is post hoc ergo propter hoc. No, I'm not sassing you in Eskimo talk.


302-The Jiminy Conjecture   

Sheldon: Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don't you think that if I were wrong, I'd know it?
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Wolowitz: Sex is never the way I dreamed it was going to be.
Raj: Because in your dreams, you're a horse from the waist down.
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Leonard: Why would you buy peppermint schnapps?
Penny: Because I like peppermint, and it's fun to say schnapps!
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Raj: I don't like bugs, okay? They freak me out.
Sheldon: Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.
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Sheldon: *Holding Flash #123* I lost this to Wolowitz in an ill-conceived cricket wager.
Penny: What, do they have Wii Cricket now? Well, that can’t be very popular.
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Rajesh: Ooo, big talk from a man who was once treed by a chicken.
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Sheldon: I am not crazy, my mother had me tested.
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Sheldon: Excuse me! Wolverine Origin, mini series issue two, page 22, retractable bone claws. You know, if you three spent less time thinking about sex and more time concentrating on comic books, we would have much less of these embarrassing moments.
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Leonard: Ethyl alcohol inhibits electrical conduction in the nerve cells and stimulates re-uptake receptors of inhibitory neurotransmitters like gamma-amino butyric acid.
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Sheldon: Could we focus on what's important here? I lost a bet to Wolowitz!
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Wolowitz:I think that you and Penny had a poor night!
Leonard: It wasn't poor! It was... just fine!
Raj: Dude, the fourth Harry Potter movie was just fine!
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Penny: Hey Sheldon, whattcha got there a new comic book?
Sheldon: Old comic book. I just got it from the safe deposit box.
Penny: What do you have a safe deposit box for?
Sheldon: Old comic books.
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Leonard: I bet I could throw a rock in this room and come up with three better friends!


303-The Gothowitz Deviation   

Sheldon: It's not cartoons, it's anime!
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Penny: I give up. He's impossible!
Sheldon: I can't be impossible; I exist! I think what you meant to say is, 'I give up; he's improbable'.
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Penny: Oh man, did the KISS Army repeal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell?
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Wolowitz: They're called tattoo sleeves... Put them on, have freaky sex with some freaky girl with her business pierced, take them off, and I can still be buried in a Jewish cemetary.
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Wolowitz: Yes, she's pushy, and yes, he's whipped -- but that's not the expression.
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Leonard: Sheldon, you can't train my girlfriend like a lab rat!
Sheldon: Actually, it turns out I can.
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Sheldon: Interesting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behavior. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled onto that.
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*In tattoo salon*.
Girl: What are you gonna get, Raj?
Raj: With my luck - Hepatitis!
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Sheldon: You know, I've always wanted to go to a goth nightclub.
Howard: Really?
Sheldon: Bazinga! You never see any of my practical jokes coming, do you?
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Leonard: I'm just saying, you catch more flies with honey then with vinegar.
Sheldon: You catch even more with manure, what's your point?
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Leonard: They're gonna get beaten up at that club.
Penny: They're gonna get beaten up at Walgreens.
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Sheldon: Penny, while I subscribe to the "Many Worlds" theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.
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Leonard: I know what your doing.
Sheldon: You do?
Leonard: You're using chocolate as a positive reinforcement for what you consider is a correct behavior!
Sheldon: Very good! Chocolate?

                       
304-The Pirate Solution       

Rajesh: I'd rather swim buck naked across the Ganges river with a paper cut on my nipple than work with you.
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Sheldon: Yes, since their relationship became carnal, Penny has updated his designated term of endearment, distinguishing him from those she calls 'sweetie,' usually as an attempt to soften a thinly-veiled insult.
Penny: You're boring people, sweetie.
Sheldon: Although sometimes, she omits the veil entirely.
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Raj: I don't want to go back to India! It's hot, and it's loud, and there are so many people! You have no idea -- they're everywhere.
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Raj: I'm going to be deported, sent home in disgrace, exposed to the sardonic barbs of my cousin Sanjay, or as you may know him, Dave from AT&T customer service.
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Sheldon: Like the subordinate male protagonist in countless action movies who disappears halfway through the second reel, I have returned to save the day. [pause]. Odd, he's usually met by cheers.
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Sheldon: There's a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately, you have to be a visionary to see it.
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Penny: You don't have to thank me every time we have sex, sweetie.
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Sheldon: *Knock* Raj ... *Knock* ... Raj *Knock* ... Raj.
*Raj answers the door*
Raj: I'm busy.
Sheldon: Doing what? *Raj does his finger trick again* Ok, you've made your point.
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Sheldon: I want you to work for me again.
Raj: 'For you' or 'with you'?
Sheldon: In this context, 'for me' can mean 'with me'.
Raj: Okay, but I have some conditions.
Sheldon: I reject them all.
Raj: I'll take the job.
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Leonard: I’ve always been a little confused about this. Why don’t Hindus eat beef?
Raj: We believe cows are gods.
Sheldon: Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be like God.
Raj: Do not tell me about my own culture, Sheldon! In the mood I’m in, I’ll take you out, I swear to cow!
               
   
305-The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary

Leonard: How about that, Einstein was wrong.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Approaching the speed of light doesn't slow down time, approaching them [Howard and his date] does.
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Wil Wheaton: Did that guy [Sheldon] just say "Revenge is a dish best served cold" to me in Klingon?
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Wil Wheaton: Game over, Moonpie.
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Wolowitz: Puppies, how do you stand on puppies?
Bernadette: A puppy once bit my face!
Wolowitz: Of course it did.
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Rajesh: What are you waiting for?! Kill Wil Wheaton! From hell's heart, stab at him!
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Wil Wheaton: What's wrong with him (Sheldon)?
Stuart: Everybody has a different theory.
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Bernadette: My mother wouldn't let me ride a bicycle because she was afraid I might hit a bump and lose my virginity.
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Sheldon: Die, Wil Wheaton, die!


306-The Cornhusker Vortex    

Raj: I hate myself, but I'm pretty sure I'm mad at you!
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Sheldon: You're misusing the word 'ho'. It's an interjection used to call attention to a destination, not an object, as in 'land ho' or 'westward ho'.
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Sheldon: Oh yes, canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel.
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Howard: Sheldon knows football? I mean Quidditch, sure, but football?
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Sheldon: I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, pee wee football... in fact, every form of football except the original, European football, which most Texans believe to be a commie plot.
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Penny: Here, have some pizza, sweetie.
Leonard: You know I'm lactose intolerant.
Penny: I know; I just need you to stop talking.
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Sheldon: That seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don't you have access to women who will do it for money?
               
       
307-The Guitarist Amplification

Sheldon: You can't make a half sandwich. If it's not half of a whole sandwich, it's just a small sandwich.
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Sheldon: STOP IT BOTH OF YOU! All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents!
*Imitating his Mom* Dammit George! I told you if you didn't quit drinking I would leave you!
*Imitating his Dad* Well, I guess that makes you a liar, because I'm drunk as hell and you are still here!
*Imitating his Mom* Stop yelling, you're making Sheldon cry!
*Imitating his Dad* I'll tell you what is making Sheldon cry, that I let you name him SHELDON!
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Raj: Do you know what vegan chicken and rice is? It's rice!
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Sheldon: I should have asked for much more than a comic book and a robot.
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Sheldon: Leonard, when that woman moved in three years ago I told you not to talk to her, and now look. We're going to be late for the movies.
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Rajesh: Excuse me but I don't think Penny is out of line at all. You don't own her. It's like my girl Beyonce says: If you like you should've put a ring on it.
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Leonard:What am I supposed to say? Sure, Penny, I'm cool with having your old boyfriend sleep in your apartment.
Leonard imitating Penny: Well, Leonard, it does'nt matter if you're cool or not, 'cause I'm penny and I'm pretty and I can do whatever the hell I want.
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Sheldon: I want that one.
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Sheldon: Where exactly does the half-sandwich come from? Are you giving me half of someone else's sandwich, or do I have to wait for someone in the restaurant to order the other half?
       

308-The Adhesive Duck Deficiency

Sheldon: You keep in mind that my sharply-worded comments on Yelp.com recently took down a muffin store.
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Raj: With your American accent, everything you say sounds stupid!
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Raj: If I could speak the language of rabbits, they would be amazed, and I would be their king.
Leonard: I hate my name. It has 'nerd' in it. 'Len. Nerd.'
Wolowitz: I lost my virginity to my cousin Jeanie.
Raj: I would be kind to my rabbit subjects ...  at first.
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Sheldon: Why do you have the Chinese character for 'soup' tattooed on your right buttock?
Penny: It's not 'soup'; it's 'courage'.
Sheldon: No it isn't. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.
Penny: How'd you see it? You said you wouldn't look.
Sheldon: Sorry. As I told you, the hero always peeks.
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Sheldon: Now remember, you were given powerful pain medication and a muscle relaxer, so don't operate heavy machinery, and try not to choke on your own drool.
*Sheldon is is about to leave.*
Penny: Wait! You have to help me get into bed. (laughs) "Sheldon has to help me get into bed". Bet you thought I'd never say that!
Sheldon: Yes. Charmed, your drug-addled candour knows no bounds.
*Sheldon follows her to her room after shutting the door. He pulls down the covers to help Penny into bed.*
Penny: You know people think you are this weird robot man who's so annoying all the time and you totally are. But then it's like that movie Wall-E at the end. You're so full of love and you can save a plant and get fat people out of their floaty chairs.
Sheldon: Thats a fairly laboured metaphor but I appreciate the sentiment behind it.
Penny: Sing 'Soft Kitty' to me.
Sheldon: 'Soft kitty' is for when you're sick, you're not sick.
Penny: Injured and drugged is a kind of sick.
Sheldon: (sitting on the bed next to her) Soft Kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur...
Penny: Wait wait. Lets sing it as a round. I'll start. Soft Kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur... *Sheldon doesn't join in.*
Penny: So that is when you come in. I'll start over. Soft Kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur... Still nothing from Sheldon.
Penny: I've got all night Sheldon. *She starts again.*
Penny: Soft Kitty, warm kitty...
Sheldon: Soft Kitty, warm kitty... *They both sing the entire song together.*
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Sheldon: Cause of Injury: Lack of Adhesive Ducks.
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*Sheldon is about to knock on Penny's bathroom door*
Penny: Don't you dare knock!
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Sheldon: Let it never be said that Sheldon Lee Cooper ignored the pleas of a damsel in distress!
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Sheldon: And good evening to you, Siam Palace, this is Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I'm going to be dining alone this evening, so I'll be reducing my usual order. I'd like to start with one quarter of the assorted appetizers plate and one half of the Golden Treasure for two - oh, for heaven's sake! In the mid-18th century, King Rama the Fourth of Siam divided a huge empire amongst the colonial powers of Europe in order to preserve his throne. Surely you, his cultural descendant, can handle pad thai and dumplings!
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Wolowitz: Even now,I can't look at pickled herring without being aroused and ashamed.
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Raj: And then, when he woke up, it was ... HIS SISTER!
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Wolowitz: You're such a doosh.
Raj: Who cares!? You slept with your cousin!
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Sheldon: I'm sorry.
There there, everythings gonna be okay........
Sheldon's here!

                           
309-The Vengeance Formulation   

Sheldon: What are you talking about?
Leonard: The cultural paradigm in which people have sex after 3 dates.
Sheldon: I see. Now, are we talking date the social interaction or date the dried fruit?
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Sheldon: Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line.  Wolowitz: Thank you, Sheldon.  Sheldon: And whether that propigation is in the interest of humanity is, of course, an entirely different question.
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Sheldon: (On helium) Kripke! I found the nozzle. I'm gonna kill you!
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*In the bathtub*.
Howard: So nice you could join me this evening, you're looking lovely as always.
Katee Sackhoff: Thanks Howard, always nice to be part of your masturbatory fantasies.
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Raj: We are from the Lollipop guild and we want you!
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[Video of Sheldon playing after his prank on Kripke, which also hit the university president and board of directors]
Sheldon: Hello, Kripke. This classic prank comes to you from the malevolent mind of Sheldon Cooper. If you would like to see the look on your stupid face, this video is being instantly uploaded to YouTube. Oh, and a hat tip to Leonard Hofstadter and Raj Koothrappali for their support and encouragement in this enterprise.
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Sheldon: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEATON!
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Sheldon: What do you want?
Raj: *High voice* We represent the Lollipop Guild and we want you!
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Leonard (to Sheldon): What if you could make Kripke look even sillier than he made you look?
Raj: I don't think that's possible, dude.
Leonard (to Raj): You're not helping.
Raj: I didn't come here to help, I came here to mock.
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Sheldon: Thank you Kripke for depriving me of the oppotunity to share my news with my friends!
Kripke: My pleasure!
Sheldon: My thank you was not sincere.
Kripke: Hm, but my pleasure is!
           
           
310-The Gorilla Experiment

Sheldon: Howard?
Howard: Yeah?
Sheldon: Your shoes are delightful. Where did you get them?
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Bazinga, I don't care.
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Sheldon: Why are you crying?
Penny: Because I'm stupid!
Sheldon: That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.
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Sheldon: Mom was right - hell is real!
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Leonard: Howard, relax. I am not interested in your girlfriend.
Howard: I hope not. Because you don't wanna mess with me. *Gets in Leonard's face* I'm crazy.
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Howard: Hope you don't mind, I told my girlfriend, Bernadette, she can join us for dinner.
Leonard: Sure, the more the merrier.
Sheldon: Wait, no. That's a false equivalency. More does not equal marry. If there was 2000 people in this apartment right now, would we be celebrating? No, we'd be suffocating.
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Penny: Look, can we just forget about this extra stuff and can you just tell me what Leonard does?
Sheldon: Alright. Leonard is attempting to learn why subatomic particles move the way they do.
Penny: Really? That's it? Well, that doesn't sound so complicated.
Sheldon: It's not... it's why Leonard does it.
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Leonard's Mom: Did I thank you for the flowers?
Sheldon: You did.
Leonard's Mom: I don't really like flowers.
Sheldon: Neither do I, but it's the social convention.
Leonard's Mom: It is.
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Howard: Bernadette say fo'shizzle to my nerdizzles.
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Leonard: (To penny) It upsets Sheldon when you play with the Sheldon.
               
           
311-The Maternal Congruence

Sheldon: I made tea.
Leonard: I don't want tea.
Sheldon: I didn't make tea for you. This is my tea.
Leonard: Then why are you telling me?
Sheldon: It's a conversation starter.
Leonard: That's a lousy conversation starter.
Sheldon: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.
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Penny Sheldon, did you have a Christmas tree?
Sheldon: Oh, yes... We had a tree, we had a manger, we had an inflatable Santa Clause with plastic reindeer on the front lawn... and to make things even more jolly, there were so many blinking lights on the house they induced neighborhood-wise seizures.
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Penny: I always tear up when the Grinch's heart grows three sizes.
Sheldon: Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, is a serious disease which can lead to congestive heart failure.
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Leonard: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen, supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.
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Beverly: So, Howard, have you and Rajesh finally summoned the courage to express your latent homosexual feelings towards one another?
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Beverly: She doesn't have much in the way of career prospects, and don't make her responsible for her own orgasms as well.
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Leonard: Merry Newtonmas everyone!
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Penny: Come on, I mean, you're not upset that your marriage is over?
Beverly: Well, initially I felt something akin to grief and perhaps anger, but that's the natural reaction of the limbic system to being betrayed by a loathsome son of a bitch.
Penny: Sure, sure.
           
               
312-The Psychic Vortex   

Sheldon: Oh yes, I've just discovered I don't have enough room on my hard drive for a Linux partition, so you and I are going to perform a full backup, re-initialize and then re-install all my operating systems.
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Penny: Oh, Voodoo is real. You don't want to mess with Voodoo.
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Sheldon: Hulk sad!
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Sheldon: Goodnight puny human!
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Leonard: What's going on?
Sheldon: We scored. I'm the wingman. *Wave with guitar*.
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Leonard: How can I go out with a woman who believes in psychics?
Howard: Hey, I once dated a girl who believed she was abducted by aliens.
Leonard: And that didn't bother you?
Howard: Au contraire. It meant that she was gullible and open to a little probing.
                   
   
313-The Bozeman Reaction

Sheldon: I'm fine. I'm no longer master of my own bladder.
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Sheldon: I do not have to urinate. I am the master of my own bladder.........drat.
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Sheldon: It's alright! They didn't take my comic books.
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Sheldon: *knocking* Leonard and Penny!
*knocking* Leonard and Penny!
*knocking* Leonard and Penny!
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Sheldon: I am the master of my own bladder.
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*Sheldon is using a map of the U.S. to find out where he can move to*
Sheldon: Penny, you're from Nebraska, right?
Penny: Born and raised.
*Sheldon crosses out Nebraska*
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Sheldon: My new computer came with Windows 7. Windows 7 is much more user-friendly than Windows Vista......I don't like that.
               
           
314-The Einstein Approximation   

Leonard: Black beans, not pinto beans?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Double guacamole?
Sheldon: Of course.
Leonard: Lettuce shredded, not chopped?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: You understand why I'm doing this?
Sheldon: I do.
Leonard: That will be all.
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Sheldon: Captain hook's hand was eaten by a crocodile not an alligator. If you're going to insult me at least get your facts straight.
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Sheldon: You can try, but you'll never catch me. Bazinga!
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Sheldon (to himself): Structure, constant structure, one atom...
Howard: Boy, he's really gone, isn't he?
Leonard: Yeah, this morning he used a stick of butter as deodorant.
Howard: I thought I smelled popcorn!
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Sheldon: Oh, by the way, I was watching you sleep for a moment, and I noticed that your snoring seems to be worse when you're on your back.
Penny: Leonard doesn't snore.
Sheldon: I wasn't talking to Leonard.
Leonard (to Penny): Told ya.
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Penny: Whatcha doin'?
Sheldon: I'm attempting to view my work as a fleeting peripheral image so as to engage the superior coliculus of my brain.
Penny: Interesting. I usually just have coffee. Have you been up all night?
Sheldon: Is it morning?
Penny: Yes....
Sheldon: Then I've been up all night.
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Raj: Okay, just to be clear, roller skating was my idea, and I'm very unhappy that you turned it into a double date. I hope you both fall on your asses and break your coccyxes.
Sheldon: The plural of coccyx is coccyges.
Raj: Screw you, give me back my lima beans.
                   
   
315-The Large Hadron Collision

Sheldon: There's an economic concept known as a positional good in which an object is only valued by the possessor because it's not possessed by others. The term was coined in 1976 by economist Fred Hirsch to replace the more colloquial, but less precise "neener-neener".
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Penny: I think I caught the flu. *Throwing up*. Or the plague!
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Leonard: What would you do if you were me?
Wolowitz: I would take Sheldon to Switzerland!
Leonard: Really?
Wolowitz: Yes, and I'd leave him there!
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Raj: If anyone's interested, I'll be spending this Valentine's in the same way I spend every Valentine's. Buying disoriented chicken from the supermarket, taking home, standing over the sink and eating out of the packet with my bear hands like an animal.
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Sheldon: Given that Saint Valentine was a 3rd century Roman priest, who was stoned and beheaded, wouldn't a more appropriate celebration of the evening be taking one's steady gal to witness a brutal murder?
                   
       
316-The Excelsior Acquisition   

Sheldon: Good Morning your honor, Dr. Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se - that is to say representing himself.
Judge: I know what it means, I went to law school.
Sheldon: Yet you wound up in traffic court.
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Sheldon: *Knocking on Penny's door* Penny... Penny...
Penny: *Opening her door and knocking on it herself* ...Penny.
Sheldon: That's just wrong.
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Sheldon: I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddie table of yours.
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*In the jail*
Sheldon: That's the toilet?
Policeman: Well, it sure ain't a wishin' well!
Sheldon: Please tell your judge I'm ready to apologize.
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Sheldon: *After just being jailed, at the biggest guy in the cell who's sitting on a bench* That's my spot.
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Penny: Did he somehow just give me the finger?
Howard: Not just the finger - the MOVING finger!
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Sheldon (to Penny): While we live in a deterministic universe, you do have free will. Now sit down.
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*Raj comes in playing Darth Vader's background music from Star Wars*
Leonard: Would you please turn your shirt off?
Raj: What? I'm giving myself dramatic entrance music. People will know I'm awesome and to be feared.
Wolowitz: Right. There's nothing more awesome and frightening than a man who's got music blasting from between his nipples.
                   
   
317-The Precious Fragmentation

Sheldon: So, just to clarify, when you say 3, do we stand up or do we pee?
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Howard: I'll bet your Meemaw didn't just have sex to have your mother, I bet she had sex because she liked it.
Sheldon: Stop it!
Raj: Yeah! Meemaw did the nasty!
Sheldon: I said stop it!
Howard: We're getting to him.
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Wolowitz: Where's my dad, puppet?!
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Penny: Who's Adam West?
Sheldon: Who's Adam West!? Leonard, what do the two of you talk about after the coitus?
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Leonard: *Doing Mr. T impression while holding a action figure of Spock with Mr. T's head* I pity the fool who's illogical!
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Penny: I need to go back to dating dumb guys from the gym...
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(after discovering the "Lord of the Rings"-ring)
Sheldon: One ring to rule them all.
Rajesh: One ring to find them.
Wolowitz: One ring to bring them all.
Leonard: And in the darkness bind them.
(...silence...)
Rajesh: Holy crap are we nerdy!
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Leonard: What was that?
Penny: Sheldon tried to steal the ring so I punched him.
Leonard: That's my girl!
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Sheldon: You hit me. I'm bleeding.
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Sheldon: (To Penny) What's sad is you don't know who TV's Adam West is.
               
           
318-The Pants Alternative

Sheldon: Hello, I know you're out there. I can hear you metabolizing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide.
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Sheldon: Get ready to see the dark side of the moon. And here's your anus.
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Sheldon: What self-important preening fraud are they honoring this year?
Leonard: I'm so glad you asked it like that. You!
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Wolowitz: Well, no you're mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can't do is shut up.
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Sheldon: Where are my pants?
Leonard: You might wanna check out YouTube.
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Sheldon: Question: Where are my Pants?
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Sheldon: A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender replies "for you, no charge".
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Sheldon: Oh, Lord, this can't be more humiliating!
Leonard: No, no, no, give him a minute.
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Sheldon: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side! Bazinga!
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Sheldon: This alcohol is not working, I still feel dizzy.
Penny: Here, try this one.
-
Raj: These methods of meditation come from the ancient gurus of India, and have helped me overcome my own fears.
Sheldon: And yet, you can't speak to women.
Raj: True, but thanks to it, I am able to stay in the same room with then without urinating.
-
Penny: So what do you say Sheldon, are we your X-men?
Sheldon: No, the X-men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be, my C-men.
-
Raj: In Avatar when they have sex on Pandora they hook up their ponytails so we know their ponytails are like their junk.
Wolowitz: Yeah, so?
Raj: So when they fly horses or fly on their birds they also use their ponytails.
Wolowitz: What's your point?
Raj: My point is that if I was a bird or a horse I'd be very nervous around James Cameron.
-
Sheldon: Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side, bazinga!!!
-
Sheldon: Now to the astronomers in the audience, get ready to see the dark side of the moon. Now here's Uranus!
-
Penny: I love where you skip over the part where no one asks.
-
Howard: The one thing the William Shatner of theoretical physics needed was an ego boost.
       
                   
319-The Wheaton Recurrence   

Rajesh: Ah beer, the magic elixir that can turn this poor shy Indian boy in the life of the party ... Oh yeah!
-
Wil Wheaton: You ready to bowl?
Sheldon: Oh, I'm ready! I don't know if Stewart told you what you are up against tonight, but before you stands the co-captain of the East Texas Christian Youth Holy Roller Bowling League Championship team ... seven to twelve year old division ... also Penny is pretty good.
Wheaton: Great! then it's ON
Sheldon (to himself): Foolish Will Wheaton, it was never off!
-
*After getting a spare in the bowling match*
Sheldon: THANK YOU JESUS!!! ... as my mother would say.
-
Sheldon: I am the ball, my thoughts are its thoughts, its holes are my holes.
-
Wil Wheaton: Embrace the dark side!
Sheldon: That's not even from your franchise!
-
Sheldon: Well, well, well, if it isn't Wil Wheaton. The Green Goblin to my Spider-Man, the Pope Paul V to my Galileo, the Internet Explorer to my Firefox!
-
Sheldon: I am the proud owner of WilWheatonStinks.com, .net and .org!
-
Penny: 'Do or do not do there is only try.'
Leonard: My girlfriend quoted Star Wars!
Penny: I believe I quoted The Empire Strikes Back.
-
Sheldon: Tweet that tweetie bird.
-
(After Penny leaves the bowling alley for the second time)
Sheldon: You did this, didn't you?
Wil Wheaton: Come on, Sheldon, do you really think I'd break up a couple just to win a bowling game?
Sheldon: ...no, I suppose not.
Wheaton: Good. Keep thinking that. (walks away)
Sheldon: (realizing he's been had yet again) Wheeeeatoooon!
-
Wolowitz: Okay, forget giant ants. How about giant rabbits?
Rajesh: Big or small, I don't like rabbits. They always look like they're about to say something, but they never do.
-
Raj: I don't like rabbits. They always look like they're about to say something, but they never do.
               
       
320-The Spaghetti Catalyst

Sheldon: Go Team Leonard!
-
Sheldon: Looks like we butchered a pig but no one wanted bacon.
-
Penny: Oh, damn, they canceled my Visa. *sadness* Oh, yay, a new MasterCard!
-
Wolowitz: You said you were going for a walk.
Sheldon: I didn't say outside.
-
Raj: Hey, Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah?
Raj: I haven't had sex in a year.
Leonard: Where are you going with this, Raj?
Raj: Don't flatter yourself, dude.
-
Leonard: I'm not going out tonight, Raj.
Raj: All right.Would you mind if I went to your room and downloaded some Asian pornography?
Leonard: Very much.
Raj: Doesn't have to be Asian.
-
Raj: Do you believe you're going to go to hell for eating sweet and sour pork?
Wolowitz:Jews don't have hell. We have acid reflux.
-
Penny:I think we can make it!
Leonard: Make what?
Penny: Make it as friends.
Leonard:Can we be friends that are having sex?
Penny: What!?
Leonard: Don't worry I was just goofin' aroud!
*Leonard and Penny got out of Sheldon's room*
Sheldon: *dreaming* Not Goofy, no!
-
Leonard: What do you want?
Sheldon: You may wanna sit down.
Leonard: I'm in bed!
Sheldon: Point taken. You may wanna sit up.
-
Leonard: Hey, where've you been?
Sheldon: I was talking with Penny.
Howard: What's wrong with you? You can't hang out with your roommate's ex. That's totally uncool.
Leonard: No, it's fine. I don't care. I'm over it.
Raj: Yeah, he's over it; that's why he's been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.
Sheldon: Is he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
Howard: So would Ben Affleck.
-
Penny: So, how've you been?
Sheldon: Well, my existence is a continuum, so I've been what I am at each point in the implied time period.
-
Leonard: Is it possible that he said bros before hoes?
Sheldon: Yes, but I rephrased to avoid offending the hoes.
-
Wolowitz: Get your hands off my popcorn you damn dirty ape.
               
           
321-The Plimpton Stimulation

Sheldon: Good night. And if there's an apocalypse, good luck.
-
Sheldon: *While peeing* Pee for Houston, pee for Austin.
Pee for the state my heart got lost in.
And shake twice for Texas.
-
Howard: I have a two-part question.
Sheldon: Go ahead.
Howard: A: Are you kidding? And B: Seriously, are you freaking kidding me?
Sheldon: A: I rarely kid, and B: when I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word "bazinga".
Howard: So you're saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed?
Sheldon: Yes. (pause) Bazinga.
-
Dr. Plimpton: Can I ask you a question Howard? Do you like role-playing games?
Howard: Yeah, sure. In fact I'm a dungeon master.
-
Dr. Plimpton: Tonight, you are the delivery man, you brought soup, and uh-oh! Raj and I don't have enough money to pay you! So we'll have to come to some other kind of arrangement...?
Howard: Beg your pardon?
Dr. Plimpton: You two figure out the details; I'm gonna change into something I don't mind getting ripped off my milky flesh! (goes off to change)
Howard: What the frack?
Raj: Go away! She wants New Delhi, not kosher deli! Besides, you have a girlfriend!
Howard: Yeah, we broke up weeks ago!
Raj: What-? Why didn't you say anything?!
Howard: I was waiting for the right time; this is a right time!
-
Raj: Okay, show of hands: who's up for this?
(Howard eagerly raises his hand)
Leonard: We'll all be naked - in front of each other.
Howard (lowering his hand): I'm out.
-
Raj: I don't wanna sit by myself!
Sheldon: That's what Typhoid Mary said and clearly, her friends buckled.
-
Howard: Are you planning on kidnapping a woman?
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Howard: Yes, but mixed with genuine concern.
-
Howard: So you're telling the two of you will be sleeping in the same bed together?
Sheldon: Yes.
*Pause*
Sheldon: Bazinga!
       
                   
322-The Staircase Implementation    

Leonard: Not only that Sheldon saved my life, but that he didn't report me to the landlord, or the police, or homeland security!
-
Penny: Okay, Babydoll Pink, let's see if you can cover up the fact that I got my dad's feet.
-
Sheldon: This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.
Leonard: Aw, screw the roommate agreement!
Sheldon: No, you don't screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you.
-
Leonard: You know what, go to Hell and set their thermostat.
Sheldon: I don't have to go to Hell. At 73 degrees, I'm there already!
-
Penny: Apparently, the one fella tried to adjust the thermostat, then the other fella went bat-crap crazy.
-
Sheldon: Oh, Ubuntu. You're my favorite Linux-based operating system.
-
TV Announcer: Up next Babylon 5.
(Sheldon looks at Leonard)
(Penny listening to Sheldon and Leonard argue from her apartment)
Leonard: You're not even watching it!
Sheldon: I can hear it!
Leonard: The dialogue offends you?!
-
Sheldon: When do you evacuate your bowels?
Leonard: When I have to.
Sheldon: When you have to? I'm sorry I don't rent to hippies.
           
       
323-The Lunar Excitation

(Sheldon notices Penny taking Leonard to his bedroom)
Sheldon: What's going on?
Penny: Get your noise-cancelling headphones, 'cause it's gonna get loud.
Sheldon: Oh, not this again!
-
Sheldon: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you've been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey upon the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I am being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
Amy: If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery.
-
Sheldon: That's not afternoon. That's prevening.
-
Sheldon: Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply by referring to oneself as one.
-
Wolowitz: Good God, what have we done?
-
Sheldon: As a native Texan, I must say I've never heard the phrase 'yeeehaw' used in quite that context.
-
Penny: Damn you, you rat bastard! In the olden days, I never would have known he was that stupid!
-
Sheldon: With skin as fair as mine, moon burn is a real possibility.
Howard: That's a bazinga, right?
Sheldon: One of my best, don't you think?
-
Raj: The Good Wife is on. I tell you, this is my new Grey's Anatomy.
-
Leonard: Relax, it's just a dirty sock.
Sheldon: How on earth can you say "dirty sock" and "relax" in the same sentence?
-
Zack: Is that the laser? It's bitchin'.
Sheldon: Yes. In 1917, when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper "Zur Quantentheorie de Strahlung, his fondest hope was that the resultant device be bitchin'.
-
Leonard: She didn’t dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.
Sheldon: I fail to see how a relationship can have the qualities of a geographical location.
Wolowitz: It’s very simple, Leonard was living in a little town called “Please don’t leave me”, while Penny had just moved to the island of “Bye-bye”!
-
Howard: *Noticing Raj peeking through someone's window using the telescope* Oh, Raj, no.
Wolowitz: Billions of dollars have gone into inventing the Internet and filling it with pictures of naked women,so we don't have to peep through windows.
-
Leonard: *Explaining the significance of the experiment to Zack* Think about what this represents. The fact that we can do this is the only way of definitively proving that there are man-made objects on the moon, put there by a member of a species that only 60 years before had just invented the airplane.
Zack: *Astonishingly* What species is that?
-
(everyone puts on protection goggles)
Zack:Cool, it's gonna be in 3-D!
-
Zack: How can you bounce a laser off the moon if there's no gravity?
-
Amy: You should also know, that all physical contact up to and including coitus is off the table. *Pause*
Sheldon: May I buy you a beverage?
Amy: Tepid water please. *Pause*
Wolowitz: My God, what have we done?

Source : TheBigBangTheory.com