Quotes Saison 4

401-The Robotic Manipulation       

Leonard: The robot hand got stuck on your what?
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Raj: You slipped and fell into a robotic hand..
Wolowitz: Yes.
Raj: Penis first?
Wolowitz: Yes.
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Sheldon: I have a Masters degree and two Doctorates. The things I *should* know, I do know.
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Sheldon: Is your womb available for rental?
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Sheldon: Well that's no threat, my mother's always wanted a grandchild.
Penny: Really? Your deeply religious born-again Christian mother wants a test-tube grandbaby born out of wedlock?
Sheldon: Curses!
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Sheldon: I just don't want to be yet another flip-flop fatality.
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Sheldon: So, this conversation is as pointless as your door knocking soliloquy?
Penny: Let me get my cockamimi keys.
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Raj: When Winnie the Pooh got his head stuck in the honey tree, his friends all graped onto him and pull and pull.
*Wolowitz is in dire pain*
Leonard: You do what you want I'm not touching another man's honey tree.
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Nurse: *Lifts up towel* What is this?
Howard: It's a robot arm.
Nurse: Where's the rest of the robot?
Howard: I only built the arm.
Nurse: Because that's all you needed, right?
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Wolowitz: *After the robot hand lets go* Winnie the Pooh is out of the honey tree!
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Sheldon: I am aware of the way humans usually reproduce which is messy, unsanitary and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.
Penny: Oh, God.
Sheldon: Yes, exactly.
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Leonard: What do you mean it happened again?!
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Rajesh: You know there's something I've always wondered about Aquaman
Leonard: Yeah?
Rajesh: Where does he poop?
Leonard: What?
Rajesh: What do the toilet look like in Atlantis? How would you flush it? And when you did flush it, where would the poop go?
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Penny: Anybody want to buy a pair of my panties for $1,400?
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Leonard: I'd suggest using some lubricant, but I have a feeling you fell on that as well. *He and Raj snicker*
Howard: Not funny, Leonard!
Raj: Oh, come on, dude. A robot hand's got a death grip on your junk. It's funny, ask anyone.
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Howard's mom: Howard, I made cookies for you and your little friends!
Howard: That's great, mom! Thanks!
Howard's mom: I'll bring them up with some Hawaiian Punch!
Howard: *startled* Don't come up here!...
Howard's mom: Why not?! Are you ashamed of your mother?
Howard: Yes, but that's not the point! (to Leonard and Raj) Get me out of here!
Leonard: Do you have any ideas, Raj?
Raj: Right now all I can think about is cookies and Hawaiian Punch.
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Sheldon: I decided to take your advice and have arranged to go on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler.
Penny: Oh, that's great! Have fun.
Sheldon: Wait! You have to drive me.
Penny: What?!
Sheldon: You know I don't drive.
Penny: Well, go ask Leonard!
Sheldon: I did; he said, and I quote: "Ask Penny, it was her cockamamie idea."
Penny: Leonard said "cockamamie"?
Sheldon: Actually, I'm paraphrasing. Having been raised in a Christian household, I'm uncomfortable with the language he used. And to be honest, I'm not entirely comfortable with "cockamamie".
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Penny: Can I ask you a question?
Sheldon: Given your community-college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible.
Penny: ...yeah. Well, my question is - and I'm pretty sure I know the answer - is this your first date?
Sheldon: That depends. Does square-dancing with my sister at a Teens for Jesus 4th of July Hoedown count as a date?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Then this is my first date.
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Amy Farrah Fowler (text message): I don't care for perchloroethylene, and I don't like glycol ether.
           
       
402-The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification

Leonard: What's a dogapus?
Sheldon: A hybrid dog and octopus. Man's underwater best friend.
Leonard: There's someone working on that?
Sheldon: I was going to. I planned on giving it to myself for my 300th birthday.
Leonard:  Wait a minute you hate dogs.
Sheldon: A dogapus can play fetch with eight balls; no one can hate that.
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Howard: Hey look, it's Leonard and R2-D-bag!
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Raj: I'm a lamb!
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Leonard: Penny, Steve Wozniack was one of the co-founders of Apple computer. He and Steve Jobs...
Penny: Yeah. I know who he is. I watch Dancing With the Stars.
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Penny: Hey, nice knees!
Sheldon: Thank you! They're my mother's!
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Penny: What up, Shel-bot?
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Leonard: What ya doin' there? Working on a new plan to catch the road runner?
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Sheldon: What I am doing here is trying to determine when I am going to die.
Leonard: A lot of people are working on that research.


403-The Zazzy Substitution

Sheldon: I'd like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Panofsky, Feynman, Weisskopf ...
Mary: Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats, and you gave 'em cute Jewish names.
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Howard: On the potty, what are you five?
Raj: It's a potty, what do you call it?
Howard: A toilet.
Raj: That's a little vulgar for the dinner table, don't you think?
Howard: and potty is okay?
Raj: Potty is innocent. Potty is adorable.
Howard: What do you do on the potty, wee-wee?
Raj: If I don't have to boom-boom.
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Sheldon: I know mother, but you're not fooling me. Every time you want to talk it means you want me listen.
Mrs. Cooper: Then stop talking.
Sheldon: Yes, M'am
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Howard: Women, you can't live with them. You can't successfully refute thier hypotheses.
Sheldon: Amen to that.
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Sheldon: She was girl who was my friend, and not she is a girl who is not my friend.
Penny: That has to be the worst country music song ever.
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*Howard imitates Raj's drunken Bollywood Breakdance*
Raj: Dude! That's offensive!
Howard: Yah! We all thought so!
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Penny: How's your life?
Amy: Like everybody else's - subject to entropy, decay and eventual death. Thank you for asking.
       
                   
404-The Hot Troll Deviation

Howard: For all we know Lucinda the Troll wasn't even a real woman. She could have been a fifty year old truck driver from New Jersey.
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Raj: Oh, you're so arrogant! If you were a super hero your name would be Captain Arrogant. And do you know what your super power would be? Arrogance!
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Sheldon: Oh, Penny! Penny!
Penny: What's up?
Sheldon: Nothing. I just wanted to make Raj stop talking.
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Leonard: Oh my god! You ran over a hobo!
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Leonard: (To Sheldon) Sometimes your movements are so life like I forget you are not a real boy.
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*Raj walking out of Sheldon's office after he's almost blown himself up*
Raj: This is not over!
               
           
405-The Desperation Emanation   

Raj: Oh Leonard, you remind of the funny old story of the man who walks into a Women's Correctional Facility with a stack of paperwork that would allow the female convicts to go free.
Leonard: You're saying I couldn't get laid in woman's prison with a handful of pardons.
Raj: Are you going to let me tell the story or not?

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Leonard: What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane, wrapped helically around an axis?
Sheldon: Screwed.
Leonard: There you go.
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Sheldon: She is a girl, who is a friend, but she is not, forgive me for doing this, (makes air quotes) my "girlfriend".
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Sheldon: You know it just occured to me, if there are an infinite number of parallel universes, in one of them there's probably a Sheldon who doesn't believe parallel universes exist.
Leonard: Probably. What's your point?
Sheldon: No point. It's just one of those things that makes one of the me's chuckle. *Laughs*
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Raj: Ok, two words. Deaf chick. It doesn't matter if I can't talk because she can't hear me.
Leonard: What?
Raj: That's what she said.
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(Sheldon yelling Leonard's name all the way down the stairs until he finds him)
Leonard: Yeah, what?
Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler has asked me to meet her mother.
Leonard: Yeah, so.
Sheldon: What does that mean?
Leonard: Well, you know how you're always saying Amy is a girl who is your friend but not your girlfriend.
Sheldon: Uh huh.
Leonard: Well, you can't say that anymore.
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Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler, that's the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me!
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Leonard: Have you considered telling her how you feel?
Sheldon: Leonard, I'm a physicist, not a hippie!
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Amy's Mom: It's nice to meet you too Sheldon, I honestly didn't believe Amy when she told me she had a boyfriend.
Sheldon: I assure you, I am quite real and I'm having regular intercourse with your daughter.
Amy's Mom: What?
Sheldon: Oh yes, We're like wild animals in heat. It's a wonder neither of us has been hurt!
Amy's Mum: Amy? What is he saying?
Amy: You wanted me to have a boyfriend, mother, well here he is! Have to sign off now. My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loin.
Sheldon: Oh yes. It's time for me to make love to your daughter's vagina.
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Sheldon: We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles, we live at 311 Los Robles. *Holds up number 2 fixture*
Leonard: You changed the address on the building? What about mail?
Sheldon: No worries, I explained our predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic, his exact words were "Got your back Jack. Bitches be crazy!"
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*Sheldon spots Amy Farrah Fowler outside the apartment*
Sheldon: Oh dear... they really do be crazy.
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Leonard: All I'm saying is, if they took all the money they spent trying to make a decent Hulk movie, they could probably make an actual Hulk.
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Sheldon: Amy, I find myself wondering if we should actually engage in coitus at least one time in our relationship ... bazinga!
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Amy: I find the notion of romantic love an unnecessary cultural construct that adds no value to human relationships.
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Penny (as barkeeper): OK Sheldon, what can I get ya?
Sheldon: Alcohol.
Penny: Could you be a little more specific?
Sheldon: Ethyl alcohol ... 40 milliliters.
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Sheldon: Proxima Centauri's the nearest star. The celestial bodies that follow are:
Alpha Centauri A, Toli, Barnard's Star, Wolf 359, Laland 21185, Sirius A, Sirius B, BL Ceti, UV Ceti, Ross 154, Ross 248, Epsilon Eridani, Lac 9352, Ross 128, EZ Aquarii A, EZ Aquarii B, EZ Aquarii C, Procyon A.
Those are the stars that are nearest to me,
Tra la la and fiddle dee dee!

                       
406-The Irish Pub Formulation        

Raj: Hands off my sister!
Sheldon: Why would I touch your sister? She's all covered in airplane germs.
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Raj: I don't think we're going to do that.
Sheldon: Do you just hate fun?
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Leonard: I'm sorry.
Raj's sister: Why do you say that?
Leonard: When I'm in bed with a girl, that's just my natural response.
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Sheldon: And to think, I was about to waste the last of my good haemorrhoid cream on you!
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Leonard: I'm the Darth Vadar of Pasadena!
Sheldon: You're far too short to be Darth Vadar!
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Leonard: Hey, you got Snoopy out! (Referring to the snow cone maker.)
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Can I have one?
Sheldon: Sure.
Leonard: Hmmm. What flavor is this? This is good.
*Leonard guesses a few flavors.*
Sheldon: Papaya caterpillar.
*Leonard spits it out and trashes the rest.*
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Sheldon: It's a shame our society mocks the differently uvulated.
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Howard: This is the worst cobbler I've ever eaten. It tastes like it's made of actual ground-up shoemaker.

                   
407-The Apology Insufficiency    

Leonard: I'm going to pick you up at 8. I'm going to show you a night that you will never forget. (Talking about how he is going to show more confidence towards women.)
Raj: (Excitedly) Where are we going?
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Penny: Sheldon, you can't re-program people.
Sheldon: No, you can't re-program people!
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Wolowitz: But you love that spot.
Sheldon: No, I love my mother, my feelings for my spot are much greater.
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Penny: How long was it?
Leonard: 94 seconds!
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Leonard: Hi. I'm Leonard. You are beautiful. You pop, sparkle and buzz e-lec-tric. I'm going to pick you up at eight, show you a night you will nev-er for-get.
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Sheldon: If ifs and buts were candies and nuts, we would all have a merry Christmas.
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Penny: Why don't you go to the Green Olive?
Sheldon: I don't like the Green Olive. They treat me like family.
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Sheldon: And here is my Justice League membership card, but that doesn't prove I know Batman.
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Sheldon: I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, there's an app for that.
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Raj: I haven't cried this hard since Toy Story 3!
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Sheldon: It doesn't matter. They'll find a way to give me a one-way ticket back to Ghandiville. And by the way, when I say that, it'%u2019s not offensive.
               
       
408-The 21-Second Excitation    

Sheldon: Wil Wheaton ... the Jar Jar Binks of the Star Trek Universe.
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Sheldon: Knock Knock.
Leonard: Who's there?
Sheldon: Hugh.
Leonard: Hugh who?
Sheldon: Hugh guys ought to listen to me.
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Sheldon: No butts, no cuts, no coconuts.
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Penny: I can't believe you've never read "Eat, Pray, Love".
Leonard: When she comes out with "Eat, Pray, Runaway from a giant boulder", I'll read it.
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Leonard: Would someone please turn off the Sheldon commentary track?
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Howard: I'm guessing 21 seconds had something to do with that too. (Talking to Raj about Leonard and Penny's former relationship)
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Sheldon: This is where we could've been if we hadn't stopped for dinner. (Points at place in long line) This is where we could've been if Koothrapali hadn't ordered dessert. (Points again)
Raj: I earned it, I ate all my brocolli.
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Raj: Guys, I just did a quick calculation. Judging by the size of the theater and this line we may not get in.
(Sheldon wakes up and jumps out of his chair.)
Sheldon: What did he say?
Leonard: Nice going, Raj. I just got him down for his nap.
-
*Sheldon receives a cell phone call*
Sheldon: Hello. Well, this seems like an odd time to test my cell phone quality but go on. Test phrases. Alright. I'm a tote. Olba. Twad. All together? All right. I'm a total butt wad. Why are you laughing? Hello?
Penny: And that girls is how you make a phony phone call.
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(Raj whistles to try find Sheldon in the theater)
Howard: We're looking for Sheldon, not Marmaduke!
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Sheldon: Under normal circumstances I'd say I told you so. But, as I have told so with such vehemence and frequency already the phrase has lost all meaning. Therefore, I will be replacing it with the phrase, I have informed you thusly.
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Bernadette: Besides, Penny and I are having a girl's night tonight
Amy: Girls night, what does that entail?
Bernadette: Oh you know, girls get together hang out share girl talk.
Amy: I'm a girl.
Bernadette: Oh well maybe you could join us. I'll ask Penny.
Amy: No need, Penny and I are very close
Leonard: You are?
Amy: Yes, In fact our menses are synchronized.
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Penny: All right, time to open bachelor number two.
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Sheldon: Well, if it isn't Wil Wheaton, the Jar-Jar Binks of the Star Trek Universe!
Wil Wheaton: (Imitating Jar-Jar) Me-sa think that's funny!
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Sheldon: I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also it's really scary.
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Sheldon: Trouble is my middle name Leonard. Actually it's Lee but I prefer Trouble.
Wil Wheaton: Oh, look who they let in.
Sheldon: Don't worry Wil Wheaton, I was just leaving. *Holds up the movie can and runs off*

                       
409-The Boyfriend Complexity

Sheldon: *Sees Leonard & Penny kissing* Oh, frickity frack! Not this again!
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Leonard: Did you get to play with Rajesh's big Telescope last night?
*Rajesh and Wolowitz Freak out*
Wolowitz: Where did that come from?
Rajesh: He never touched my telescope!
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Sheldon: As usual, you're all wrong. The bravest person in the Marvel universe is the doctor that gives Wolverine his prostate exam.
Howard: How about the guy gets a prostate exam from Wolverine?
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Sheldon: I'd like to say I'm very happy that you're back together, and if I can figure out a way to do so and sound sincere, I will.
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Howard: Don't be oversensitive. He's calling you illiterate, not your race.
Raj: Oh, okay. Good.
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Sheldon: I don't care for novelty editions of Monopoly. I prefer the classics: regular and Klingon.
Howard: Actually, Indian Monopoly is just like regular. Except the money is in rupees and instead of hotels, you build call centers. And when you pick a chance card, you might die of dysentery. Just FYI, that was racist.
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Leonard: You'll never guess what just happened.
Sheldon: You went out into the hallway, stumbled into an inter-dimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future, which you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you're back to bring us all with you to the year 7010, where we transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled dolphins.
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Sheldon: Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. By that definition, Penny is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
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*Leonard is kissing Penny, and Penny's dad enters*
Penny: Come on, honey, not in front of my dad.
Penny's dad: Relax, I've seen her do a lot worse with a lot stupider.
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Sheldon: Do you even think about other people, Leonard?
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Howard: Aah, this takes me back! Leonard obsessing about Penny. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love your new stuff but, once in a while, it's nice to hear the hits.
Raj: Ooh, ooh, do "our babies will be smart and beautiful." That one always makes me laugh!
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Sheldon: I'd like to go over some proposed changes to the roommate agreement, specifically to address Penny's annoying personal habits.
Penny: Oh my God! What personal habits?
Sheldon: I have a list. FYI overuse of the phrase "Oh my God" is number 12.
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Leonard: How'd it go last night?
Raj: Y'know, same old same old. Looked through a telescope, saw some stars. Big whoop!
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(Speaking to Leonard)
Penny's Dad: I want grandkids before I die and I want 'em to grow up in a house without wheels!
           
               
410-The Alien Parasite Hypothesis

Amy: Ears and genitalia.
Sheldon: Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up. What about environmental factors. Describe the scene for me?
Amy: I was sitting in a restaurant with Penny and Bernadette drinking water. Carbonated as it was a special occasion. Penny's friend Zack stopped by and said 'hello' and I said 'whoo'.
Sheldon: Whoo?
Amy: Zack.
Sheldon: Then why did you ask?
Amy: Ask what?
Sheldon: Who?
Amy: Zack.
Sheldon: Alright, lets start over. What did you say when Zack walked in?
Amy: 'Whoo'.
Sheldon: Zack.
Amy: Why do you keep saying Zack?
Sheldon: Because you keep saying who?
Amy: I'm not saying whoo now, I said 'whoo' last night.
Sheldon: And the answer is Zack, correct?
Amy: There was no question, I simply said 'whoo'.
Sheldon: Alright I think I have enough to go on.
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Sheldon: It's illegal to spay a human being.
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Sheldon: Good grief. It's like talking to a dolphin.
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Sheldon: What is the best number? By the way, there's only one correct answer.
Raj: 5,318,008?
Sheldon: Wrong! The best number is 73. [Short silence] You're probably wondering why.
Leonard & Howard: No no, we're good.
Sheldon: 73, is the 21st prime number, it's mirror 37 is the 12th and it's mirror 21 is the product of multiplying, hang on to your hats, 7 and 3. Did I lie?
Leonard: We did it! 73 is the... Chuck Norris of numbers!
Sheldon: Chuck Norris wishes! In binary, 73 is a palindrome, 1001001, which backwards is 1001001, exactly the same. All Chuck Norris gets you backwards is Sirron Kcuhc!
Raj: Just for the record, when you enter 5,318,008 in a calculator, upside down it spells BOOBIES!
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Amy Farrah Fowler: Did you know the iconic heart shape isn't based on an actual human heart, its based on what a womans ass looks like bending over.
Penny: So in 8th grade, I was dotting my i's with little asses? That's cool.
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(The guys are eating dinner.)
Sheldon: Clarify something for me. Isn't the point of a communal meal the exchange of ideas and opinions, an opportunity to consider important issues of the day?
Leonard: It is. You just kinda put a damper on things when you said, 'The next person I see talking with food in their mouth will be put to death'.
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Leonard: 12 years after high school and I'm still at the nerd table.
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Howard: How did you get so brave all of a sudden?
Raj: It's easy. The spider's crawling up your arm.
(Referring to Howard's bravery test to see which one is the sidekick.)
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Sheldon: You know, in difficult times like this, I often turn to a force stronger than myself.
Amy: Religion?
Sheldon: Star Trek.
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Sheldon: Go, Amy Farrah Fowler. Follow your endocrine system.
Amy: Thank you, Sheldon. You are a good friend.
-
Penny: Are you saying that Amy is... Oh, what's the scientific word...
Sheldon: Forget science: she's horny.

                           
411-The Justice League Recombination    

Sheldon: I'm not Sheldon! I'm the Flash! And now I'm going to the Grand Canyon to scream in frustration *takes two quick steps* I'm back
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Sheldon: I'm sorry, but in what universe is Wonder Woman blonde?
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Sheldon: I understand why you're upset. You're afraid that costume makes you look fat.
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Sheldon: Don't worry. Wonder Woman was an Amazon. And Amazons tend to be very beefy gals.
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Wolowitz: You got her to have sex with you. Obviously your super power is brainwashing.
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Zack: You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel. Turns out if you kill a starfish it'll just come back to life.
Sheldon: Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.
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Sheldon: Milk Duds, with their self-deprecating name and remarkably mild flavor, are the most apologetic of the boxed candies.
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Sheldon: Amy Farah Fowler doesn't do costumes. She's not the free spirit I am.
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Zack: You're inferring I'm stupid.
Sheldon: That's not correct. We implied you're stupid, you then inferred it.
               
       
412-The Bus Pants Utilization       

Leonard: I had a great idea. Do you know how we're always having to stop and solve differential equations, like when you're doing Fourier equations or using the Schroedinger equation?
Sheldon: Howard doesn't, he's only an engineer.
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Rajesh: (Talking to Wolowitz) Last night I had a dream we got so rich from the app, you and I bought matching side by side mansions, but there was a secret tunnel connecting your front yard to my back yard. What do you think that means?
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Raj: Ooh, Leonard is going all alpha nerd on Sheldon's ass!
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Sheldon: I'm not saying that all senior citizens that can't master technology should be publicly flogged. But, if we made an example of one or two it might give the others incentive to try harder.
           
       
413-The Love Car Displacement

*Raj whispers in Leonard's ear*
Leonard: No! You can't watch Bridget Jones' Diary!
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Sheldon: Radio contact is sufficient. No need to extend your middle finger.
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Amy: Travel makes me constipated so I am the ideal hotel room-mate.
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Leonard: (To Raj) I'd like to kick your little brown ass.
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Wolowitz: What, I'm not hot enough for Angelina Jolie?
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Sheldon: We are only as strong as our weakest bladder.
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Sheldon: I need to sleep here tonight.
Rajesh: Why?
Sheldon: Howard is a total ass, Bernadette is in Penny's bed, Amy bites and Penny may or may not have coitus with Leonard.
Rajesh: OK, come in.
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Amy: Are you in the lanthanoid series?
Sheldon: Amy, it's Penny's turn! Penny...
Penny: Uh, I dunno. Are you food?
Sheldon: That's not a apropos! We've already established I'm found on the Periodic Table.
Penny: Well, it's a table, right? I mean, why can't there be food on it?
Sheldon: I knew she wasn't lead car material!
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Sheldon: Good morning everyone and welcome to "Science and Society". I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper, BS, MS, MA, PhD and ScD. OMG, right?
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Leonard: Yeah, that would be a little more like getting into dracula's coffin.
               
           
414-The Thespian Catalyst

Sheldon: *Speaking on the phone to his mother* Mommy, I love you. Don't let Spock take me to the future.
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Raj: Dance number aside, I'm so not gay.
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Sheldon: I agreed to speak to you this evening because I was told that you're the best and the brightest of this University's doctoral candidates.

Hmm. Course, that's saying you're the most important electron in a hydrogen atom. *Heh* 'Cause you see, there's only 1 electron in a hydrogen atom. *Silence* Best and brightest my sweet patootee.
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Penny: Mrs Cooper? Hey, it's Penny.I think I broke your son. Hold on. (to Sheldon) Talk to your mother.
Sheldon: (Crying) Mummy, I love you. Don't let Spock take me to the future!
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Raj: I know the feeling. It's like accidentally walking into a gay bar and then having no one hit on you. It happened to a friend of mine!
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Raj: Cute is for bunnies. I want to be something with sex appeal. Like a labradoodle!
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Sheldon: I was expecting applause but I suppose stunned silence is equally appropriate.
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Sheldon: I sense that you're trying to slow walk me to an epiphany. Would you mind very much jumping to it.
           
               
415-The Benefactor Factor   

Sheldon: There are a lot more rich old ladies out there and Daddy needs a new linear accelerator!
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Sheldon: An entire dinner to talk about your research? Where you going? The drive thru at Jack In The Box?
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Sheldon: Your critical attitude is ruining our Saturday night together, and I'm not above minimizing your window. (Sheldon video chatting with Amy Farrah Fowler)
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Sheldon: It's not a touch phobia, it's a germ phobia. If you'd like to put on a pair of latex gloves I'll let you check me for a hernia.
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Sheldon: You seem to have forgotten the reason we live together is that we're best friends. And I've got your back, Jack.
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Sheldon: I think you have a real knack for gigolo work, Leonard.
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Sheldon: (To Leonard) Given how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider, just this once, using your genitalia to actually accomplish something!
-
Amy: Well then, prepare to be terrified. If your friends are unconvincing, this year's donations might go to, say, the Geology department.
Sheldon: Oh no! Not the dirt people!
Amy: Or, worse still, it could go to the liberal arts.
Sheldon: No!
Amy: Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists and students of gender studies.
Sheldon: Oh, the Humanities!
-
Penny: (Gleefully) Good morning, slut!
Leonard: What?
Penny: Oh, please! I recognise the walk of shame when I see it. All you're missing is a little smeared mascara and a purse with panties wadded up in it!
-
Penny: (To Sheldon) We can't keep explaining everything. Read that book we gave you!
           
       
416-The Cohabitation Formulation

Raj: You heard me, I forbidded it.
Priya: Forbidded it?
Raj: Forbid..ed.. it?
-
Amy: Thanks to you (Penny), I just made a rhesus monkey cry like a disgraced TV evangelist.
-
Mrs. Wolowitz: Who's there? Are you a sex criminal?
Howard: Sex Criminals don't have KEYS MA!!!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Where were you so late?
Howard: I was out with Bernadette
Mrs. Wolowitz: I know what that means, I watch Dr. Phil. I hope to God, you used a condom.
Howard: I am not having this conversation with you ma.
Mrs. Wolowitz: God forbid you get one of them fancy sex diseases.
Howard: Nobody has a disease!!
Mrs. Wolowitz:I hope not, I share a toilet with you. Is that what you want, to give your mother herpes?
-
Sheldon: Priya, if you're experiencing any tension or awkwardness, it may stem from the fact that Leonard and Penny used to, if I might quote Howard, "Do the dance with no pants".
-
Sheldon: The code also states that if she disobeys, she will be reborn in the womb of a jackal and tormented by diseases. If true, that seems like an awfully large gamble given that the prize is Leonard.
-
Sheldon: (To Howard) Just keep in mind should you ever need a slightly apathetic, tertiary friend, I stand at the ready.
-
Sheldon: While you're at it I am upset we have an unannounced house guest, so make me cocoa.
-
Sheldon: Don't worry. As you tertiary friend I'm prepared to step in and comfort you.
Howard: It's not really necessary.
Sheldon: Ah no. I'll finish making the tea while you narcisistically ramble on about whatever's troubling you.
Howard: Thanks.
Sheldon: That's what tertiary friends are for!
-
Amy: Well, granted Penny your secondary sexual characteristics are reasonably bodacious but Priya is highly educated, she's an accomplished professional and she comes from the culture that literally wrote the book on neat ways to have sex. Whereas you, on the other hand, are a community college dropout who comes from the culture that wrote the book on tipping cows!
-
Amy: (Via Laptop) What up bestie? Good news! Thanks to you I was able to make a rhesus monkey cry like a disgraced televangelist.
Penny: Great.
Amy: So, you feeling better?
Penny: Not really.
Amy: Sheldon, you have a guest who's upset.
Sheldon: I'll make tea.
Penny: Sweetie, it's OK. I don't want tea.
Sheldon: It's not optional!
-
Amy: I came as quickly as I could.
Penny: Ok ... why?
Amy: To comfort you, of course. Sheldon told me about Leonard dating Rajesh's sister, so I hightailed over here to pick up the pieces of your broken heart.
Penny: Amy, I'm fine.
Amy: You don't have to be strong for me. Now, let's talk about Priya, that man-stealing bitch!

                           
417-The Toast Derivation    

Amy: Outstanding. And if we fail, we can always stop at CVS and pick you out a nice toothbrush. I call mine Gerard.
Bernadette: That's a bit sad.
-
Levar Burton: *Walks through the apartment door and stares in horror at the Kripke, Zach and Stuart singing*
Hello I c... Oh no, uh huh ... *Slams door shut* ... I am so done with Twitter.
-
Wolowitz: Raj, did you ever tell your sister about the time Sheldon got punched by Bill Gates?
Priya: Oh, God, you're kidding.
Raj: No, Gates gave a speech at the university. Sheldon went up to him afterwards and said, "Maybe if you weren't so distracted by sick children in Africa you could have put a little more thought into Windows Vista."
-
Leonard: Hey, I thought you were with your new buddies.
Sheldon: I had to leave. They were having fun wrong.
-
Bernadette: We just thought you might want to go out and have a good time. Maybe go dancing?
Penny: Oh, gee, thanks, but I'm not really in the mood.
Amy: You do understand that it will distract you from obsessing over the rich variety of sweet loving that your ex-boyfriend is currently receiving from the fiery jewel of Mumbai?
-
Sheldon: We could also stop using the letter M. But I think that idea is isguided and oronic.
-
Sheldon: How wonderful, dinner with some assembly required.
-
Sheldon: At one point Raj put on reggae music and his sister took off her shoes. It was like the last days of Caligula.
-
Amy (to Penny): You do understand that it will distract you from obsessing over the rich variety of sweet loving your ex-boyfriend is currently receiving from the fiery jewel of Mumbai?
-
Amy: (To Bernadette) If you'd have let me bring the chloroform, we wouldn't have had to put up with all this jibber-jabber!
-
Amy: Y'know, if being on your own is new to you, I'd be happy to share some tension-relieving techniques for ladies I've perfected over the years. For example, do you own an electric toothbrush?
Penny: No
Amy: You should get one!
-
Sheldon: (knocking) All my friends. (knocking) All my friends. (knocking) All my friends.
Howard: Wow, I think it's like Beetlejuice. We must've said his name too many times.

                       
418-The Prestidigitation Approximation   

Sheldon: So, you're saying this is a regulation deck?
Howard: I'm saying believe in magic, you muggle!
-
Leonard: (To Penny) Nice to know everything's OK with your plumbing ... err, the building's plumbing.
-
Rajesh: Why so glum, chum?
Sheldon: Apparently you can't hack into a government supercomputer and then try to buy uranium without the Department of Homeland Security tattling to your mother.
-
Leonard: Hypothetically, if I had access to a lieutenant Uhura uniform, would you wear it?
Priya: Leonard, it is a source of great pain to me and my family that my brother has that outfit in his wardrobe.
-
*Sheldon trying to figure out the card-trick*
Penny: No big deal. Not knowing is part of the fun!
Sheldon: (Imitating Penny) 'Not knowing is part of the fun.' Was that the motto of your community college?
-
Sheldon: (To Leonard) If you plan on having children I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers, your testicles look a tad warm.
-
Leonard: Okay, uh, how do I put this? Um, are you familiar with Darwin's observation of the finches in the Galapagos Islands?
Penny: Did they make a movie about it?
Leonard: No.
Penny: Then no.


419-The Zarnecki Incursion

Todd Zarnecki: Who is it?
Sheldon: Your doom!
-
Penny: Give my friend his stuff back.
Tod Zarnecki: I don't know what you're talking about.
Penny: Well then good news! Today's the day a girl's finally going to touch you in your little special place. *Kicks him in the groin*
-
Sheldon: Why hast thou forsaken me, O deity whose existence I doubt?
-
Sheldon: I've never said these words before, but good job Howard!
-
Penny: Amy is right, I do wanna fling my poop at her.
-
Sheldon: They also took Glen.
Leonard: No, not Glen.
Sheldon: Yes, the only bird that I ever loved.
-
Raj: Come on, dude, bros before (pause )my sister.
-
Sheldon: We did it! .... What? I said we!
-
Leonard: I can't believe we're going all the way to San Diego to confront this guy.
Howard: Yeah, we're kind of badasses, aren't we?
-
Howard: (Referring to Sheldon's weapon) Why did you bring that?
Sheldon: No weapon strikes more fear into a man's heart than a Klingon bat'leth.
-
Cop: Your friend called 911 to report a robbery.
Leonard: Oh, my God, what did they get?
Sheldon: What didn't they get? They got my enchanted weapons, my Vicious Gladiator armor, my Wand of Untaimed Power and all my gold.
-
Leonard:You called the police because someone hacked your "World of Warcraft" account?
Sheldon:What choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern Kingdoms, has been picked clean like a carcass is the desert sun. Plus the FBI hung up on me.
-
Sheldon: This act of aggression must be met with swift and cruel ferocity. It is time to cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war.
-
Sheldon: 3000 hours! 3000 hours clicking on that mouse, collecting weapons and gold. It's almost as if it was a huge waste of time.
-
Sheldon:Excuse me, Penny, but "Doodle Jump" is a game. "Angry Birds" is a game. "World of Warcraft" is a massively multiplaying online role-playing... All right, technically it's a game.
-
Sheldon: I'm hell-bent on catching a cyber criminal, not the common cold.
-
Raj: Bad news, the Nigerian prince maybe a fraud.


420-The Herb Garden Germination

Priya: *Recalling Raj's poetry* Oh Bernadette, please play my clarinet.
-
Amy: We need to fabricate a tantalising piece of gossip.
Sheldon: And a second non-tantalising piece to use as a control.
Amy: Then we'll track its progress through our social group and interpret the results through the competing academic prisms of mimetic theory, algebraic gossip and epidemiology.
Sheldon: Look at you, getting me to engage in the Social Sciences. You're a vixen, Amy Farrah Fowler!
-
Sheldon: Perhaps your talk of my sexual prowess renewed her faith in love.
-
Sheldon: That's going to make me a chick magnet and I'm so busy as it is!
-
Sheldon: I must say, Amy, pretending to have intercourse with you has given me a great deal of satisfaction.
-
Sheldon: If you don't mind, I'd like to stop listening to you and start talking.
-
Sheldon: Doctor Greene, question?
Dr. Greene: Yes?
Sheldon: You've dedicated your lifes work to educate the general populus about complex sciencific ideas.
Dr. Greene: Yes, in part.
Sheldon: Have you ever considered trying to do something useful? Perhaps reading to the elderly?
Dr. Greene: Excuse me?
Sheldon: Yeah, but not your books. Something they might enjoy. I kid of course, big fan.
-
Sheldon: Leonard, the people at Nintendo can only go so far in helping us recreate an actual athletic experience. We have to do our part too!
-
Leonard: Did you hear about Howard and Bernadette?
Penny: Of course I heard about it, how did you hear about it?
Leonard: I heard it from Sheldon, he got it from Amy.
Penny: Damn it! I told Amy that in the strictest of confidence. Boy some people are such blabbermouths. Well whatever, I'm sure Bernadette can do better.
Leonard: Do you think a sexually ambivelent Indian astrophysicist with selected mutism and alcohol issues is better than a 100 lb Jewish guy who lives with his mom?
Penny: You are kidding! Raj likes Bernadette?
Leonard: I didn't say Raj, who said Raj?
Penny: Okay give, how do you know? Did he tell you?
Leonard: No
Penny: Well then who?
Leonard: I can't say
Penny: Priya told you, oh what a little gossip. Ya know, not an attractive quality in a woman Leonard. Not judging, just my opinion.
Leonard: Well the point is if this got out it would destroy Howard and Raj's friendship.
Penny: You don't have to worry, unlike Amy and Priya, I know how to keep a secret.
Leonard: You're the one who told Amy in the first place.
Penny: In confidence!
-
Howard: Oh great it's my cousin David about the ring... Hey David what'd you find?... Sure half a carat is fine, her freakishly small hands make anything look big. It's one of the reasons I love her.
-
Raj: Shut your ass!
-
Sheldon: Interesting! So it went beyond the mere fact of coitus to a blow by blow account, as it were.
Amy: Pun intended?
Sheldon: I'm sorry, what pun?
-
Sheldon: What an elf I would've made.
-
Amy: The meme has reached full penetration.
Sheldon: Pun intended?
Amy: No. Happy accident.
-
Penny: All right, try thinking about this -- Sheldon and Amy had sex.
Raj: Shut your ass!
-
Raj: It's amazing what liquor does to guilt.
-
Sheldon: I'm no stanger to mimetic epidemiology. At Johnson Elementary school, the phrase Shelly Cooper's a smelly pooper spread like wildfire.
Amy: I should think so, that's gold.
-
Raj: Besides, if you might not know, Bernadette is planing to break up with Howard!
Penny: I know that, how do you know that?
Raj: My sister told me.
Penny: That gossipy bitch! No offence.
Raj: Non taken, you should hear how she talks about you.
-
Leonard: Hope, you're hungry!
Sheldon: Interesting, a friendly sentiment in this country - a cruel taunt in the Sudan...


421-The Agreement Dissection

Sheldon: It's hard to say no to Yoohoo - it literally beckons.
-
Sheldon: According to the Roommate Agreement, Paragraph 9, Subsection B: The right to bathroom privacy is suspended in the event of force majeure, and believe me, I am experiencing a very majeure force!
-
Leonard: She finished top of her class Cambridge University and is licensed to practice law in three countries ... and your face!
-
Sheldon: The mean Indian lady tried to make me eat lamb.
-
Sheldon: Really, Amy? Tobacco and alcohol? Need I remind you not a lot of scientific discoveries were made by people having a good time?
-
Amy: You're like a sexy toddler.
-
Sheldon: And what a civilisation is the Greeks. They gave us science, democracy and little cubes of charred meat that taste like sweat.
-
Sheldon: (To Priya) You may have gone to Cambridge but I'm an honorary graduate of Starfleet Academy!
-
Sheldon: (To Amy) Ah, memory impairment; the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle!
-
Sheldon: Leonard, are you in the shower?
Leonard: I can't hear you, I'm in the shower.
Sheldon: I asked if you were in the shower, but that's moot now.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Moot. Rendered unimportant by recent events.
Leonard: I can't hear you, I'm in the shower.
Sheldon: (Entering bathroom) I have to skip the chitchat. Emergency!
Leonard: What kind of an emergency?
Sheldon: Mathematical. 32 ounce banana smoothie, 16 ounce bladder.
-
Amy: Yes, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Which brings me to our next order of business. (Kisses him)
Sheldon: Fascinating.
Amy: I hope you don't take what I'm about to do as a comment on what we just did. (Runs to bathroom and vomits)
-
Sheldon: (To the smoking monkey) You really are an ass.
-
Sheldon: The mean Indian lady made me eat lamb.


422-The Wildebeest Implementation

Raj: She didn't even get to see my penis.
-
Amy: Try not to ogle my kaboose as I walk away.
-
Sheldon: There's no need to interact with me. I'm just here to observe.
-
Sheldon: As a mental exercise, I invite you to figure out why the two of us can't play three-person chess.
-
(Contemplating a pair of shoes)
Penny: Ooh, these are cute. Of course if I buy them, I'll have to rent my womb out to a gay couple.
-
Rajesh: Nothing rhymes with orange. It's probably lonely.
-
(To a box of expensive shoes she's about to take back)
Penny: I'm sorry, shoes, but you have to go back.
Shoebox (Penny): But, Penny, we love you.
Penny: I love you, too, but you cost more than my rent.
Shoebox (Penny): But Penny, you look so good in us.
Penny: (To Amy) Damn it, the shoes are right!
-
Wolowitz: Have you ever been told you're beautiful in flawless Russian?
Penny: No.
Wolowitz: Well get used to it.
-
Sheldon: Oh! Ouch ouch! My metatarsals are barking!


423-The Engagement Reaction

Wolowitz: Have you told your parents you're dating this short glass of skim milk?
-
Penny: Oh you're going to jibber jabber about jibber jabber!
-
Raj: Rotting Zombie ... Sheldon's new Facebook picture!
-
Raj: Hell hounds! Who let the satanic dogs out?
-
Sheldon: Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home.
Howard: What's wrong with the bathroom here?
Sheldon: Pneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus and other sort of cocusses.
Howard: Sheldon, my mother is on her deathbed and my fiancé is grief-stricken over putting her there. I'm NOT taking you home!
Sheldon: Will you at least go with me to the restroom here so you can open the door and flush the urinal?
Howard: NO!
Sheldon: This might be a good time to point out, Howard, that friendship requires a certain give and take!
-
Leonard: Does your family have a history of heart disease?
Wolowitz: My family is the history of heart disease. There's a cave painting in France of one of my ancestors doing this. *Mimics heart attack*
-
Sheldon: 'He drank from Leonard`s glass' - the words they will be carving into my tombstone.
-
Leonard: I'm the king of foreplay.
-
Bernadette: You're a putz! Do you what that means?
Howard: Yeah. Do you?
-
Priya: Indian parents are very protective of their children.
Howard: Right. Whereas Jewish mothers take a casual la-di-da approach to their sons!
-
Sheldon: Zandor, wizard of the north. Ha! I win!
Howard: If you skip the part about under a two week quarantine because you were exposed to a deadly disease, ABSOLUTELY!
-
Priya: What happened?
Bernadette: Howard's mother had a heart attack because I have sex with him and she can't.
-
Bernadette: Howard's mother had a heart attack because I can have sex with him and she can't!
-
Priya: My brother had a group of friends like this in India. They dressed up in leotards and goggles and called themselves the New Delhi Power Rangers.
Penny: How old were they?
Priya: Not as young as you'd want them to be.
-
Sheldon: I gaggled with tequila. I may have swallowed a tiny bit.
Leonard: You all right?
Sheldon: Fine, thank you for asking. I love you so much!
-
Sheldon: Oh, what fresh hell is this?
Biosuit Nurse: Wait, you can't leave here, you've been exposed.
Sheldon: (Covering his face with his shirt) No, I haven't! It's all good!
-
Raj: Sheldon, that's my water.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord! (Runs to the bathroom to wash his mouth)
Leonard: That's not your water.
Raj: I know!


424-The Roommate Transmogrification

Penny: (To Raj) Really still can't talk to me?
-
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Raj: I was sleeping!
Leonard: In my bed?
Raj: Well, I would have slept in my own bed, but it was being used to bring shame to my family ... and the memory of Gene Roddenberry!
-
Sheldon: Will you Boozehounds stop that infernal clinking? ... and the Answer was Elephant.
-
Raj: Can I bring girls here?
Leonard: You? Sure. Bring as many as you want.
Raj: Okay, deal.
Leonard: Just not against their will.
-
Raj: Come on, dude, I'm exhausted and Tyra Banks says the most important item in your makeup bag is a good night's sleep.
-
Leonard: (In the bedroom with Priya) Open the landing bay doors, shuttle craft approaching.
-
Sheldon: I never joke about safety.
-
Sheldon: What are you doing here?
Leonard: I live here.
Sheldon: I have paperwork that says differently.
-
Sheldon: Oh Amy, I've never been touched like this before.
-
Sheldon: My hands are magic.
-
Leonard: If I role down the windows, everything is peachy. If you role down the windows, you're still not a doctor.
-
Penny: So that means, you're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're a doctor and ... Howard you know a lot of doctors.
-
Sheldon: What are you doing here?
Howard: I've been up all night. I had a fight with Bernadette.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: She bought me a nice watch.
Sheldon: Leonard, do you understand any of this?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Talk to him.
-
Penny: What do you mean 'new roommate'? What happened to Leonard?
Sheldon: Same thing that happened to 'Homo Erectus'. He was replaced by a superior species.
Raj: I'm the new homo in town...
-
Amy: I was proposing massaging your muscles with your own hands.
Sheldon: Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching.
-
Raj: It's better to have loved and lost than to downloading increasingly shameful pornography.
-
Amy: I study the brain, the organ reponsible for Beethoven's 5th Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Light.
-
Sheldon: Here's an interesting fact about alcohol: Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? Hint: sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.
Penny: Monkeys.
Sheldon: When does a monkey have a trunk?
Penny: When a suitcase just won't do.
-
Howard: You gotta like this: the girlfriend, the ex-girlfriend, bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty? (All but Leonard laugh)
Leonard: Kill me!
Sheldon: It wouldn't help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.
-
Penny: Sheldon have you changed your wireless password again?
Sheldon: Yes, it's "Penny get your own WiFi"; no spaces.
-
Raj: Just think of me as a Brown Martha Stewart.
-
Sheldon: When does a monkey have a trunk?
Penny: When a suitcase just won't do.
-
Mr. Koothrappali: We heard there was a tornado in Kansas City, is that close to you?
Priya: No!
-
Leonard: So...hot in India?
Mr. Koothrappali: Of course it is, it always is. It's India. Now, what do have to say for yourself?
Leonard: Uh...that is a beautiful tapestry.
(Raj's parents look back, Leonard closes laptop)
-
Leonard: What's going on?
Penny: Oh, heh, it's not what it looks like. *Leaving*
Sheldon: What does it look like?

Source : TheBigBangTheory.com